I had a lot of trouble writing this post, because each time
I started, questions began to flood my mind. How do I fit 5 months of
experience into one post? How do I keep it concise enough that people actually
read it entirely? Did I gain as much from my fast of solitude as I wanted, or
claim? The truth is, I can’t guarantee the right answers for all of these
questions because everyone will have their own interpretation of what I have to
share. But, I think it’s been put on my heart to say something since I came out of my fast with a new, refreshed, and
solidified mindset. My hope is that even if you aren’t Christian, my takeaways will
resonate with you in the same manner they did with me. This fast opened my eyes to many things, and I hope
it does for you as well.
For the sake of length, I’m separating this post into two
parts. If my writing sounds a bit choppy at times, it’s because I am condensing
a sizeable amount of information; so I apologize ahead of time for that. This
first post will describe the inner workings of my fast, and what happened along
the way. The second post will discuss the takeaways from the fast itself. So
let’s start with the journey.
Now if I’m being transparent, one major reason for my fast
was to take a step away from women and everything related to them, such as
pursuing them, giving them advice, talking with them on a daily basis, etc. Why
you ask? I was tired of the games! Like, didn’t y’all hear my man Serani back
in 2009? Just kidding. For those who didn’t already square up reading that, the
truth is I was just at a point where I felt like my life was a bit stagnant, I
was still going through my same motions from college, and I felt pressure to
jump into a relationship in order to gain some kind of fulfillment.
Yes, I’d gotten a job and things were going well, but
internally, I still felt like I was missing something, and that my life lacked
a true purpose. My sister had recently gotten engaged, both my older and younger
brother were (and are) in relationships, and I was getting constant reminders
that I was on my own. The majority of my friends were even committed; so it felt
like I could not escape this feeling.
I actually almost committed to someone a few times, but it
took a lot of willpower and mental strength to decide against it. That person
is probably reading this post right now, but I’m not dropping any names, and I
hope my FBI agent will do the same. Anyway, I stopped myself and realized I was
not in a good mindset to be with anyone, and that I needed to take some action
before I made a mistake. Somewhere along the way, the idea of doing a social
fast came up and peaked my interest.
If you know me, you know I’m a very social person; so doing
something as drastic as this didn’t sit well with me. However, after thinking
it over, I thought to myself that if I wanted to see a major change in my life,
and get the direction I’d been seeking, then it would probably take some major
actions, since clearly what I’d been doing wasn’t working. With that, I set my
start date, and my journey began.
When I started my fast, things didn’t feel very different to
me. I was still going about my business as I normally would. It wasn’t until
about 2 weeks in that I started thinking, “Dang, my phone is looking kinda dry.”
Another two weeks in, I realized that if I was going to do this fast of
solitude the right way, that also meant I needed to limit my outings because I
would still have contact with other people. I figured alright, this will hurt,
but it’s for good reason; so I did it.
After a few more weeks of this, and some stressful days at
work, being on my own started getting to me. I was running out of hobbies,
Fortnite hadn’t been released yet, reading the Bible wasn’t as fulfilling, and
I’d had more than enough sleep. This led to a few of my mistakes- going out,
drinking too much, and more. Yes, it was fun, but I knew I was cheating my
fast; so I needed to stop.
I ended up going out a few more times. However, the
hypocrisy in what I was doing registered. I realized it even more so when a few
individuals called me out on it. I had to face facts- I couldn’t half-ass my
fast if I expected legit results at the end of it, and wanted to show others I
was taking it seriously. So I stepped out of the night scene completely.
I thought that would be the extent of my suffering but soon,
a significant number of people started questioning my social media use and how
it was still a way to interact with others. I thought it was just a good way to
show people I was actually alive. However, the truth in their words eventually
clicked. All of these things were distracting me from the true purposes of my
fast: to get my mind right, make my future bright, and keep my relationship
with God in sight. Therefore, I needed to regroup and re-focus.
By now, it’s about the end of month two, I’m basically cut
off from the world and I am struggling. I had stepped away from
people and outings, but now, in my places of peace and solitude, I started
running into temptations (bruh). I was being asked by women to spot them at the
gym (of course it had to be the squat
rack), people were approaching me at my work site, riders in my Ubers were
starting random conversations with me, I was running into and getting hit up by
people from my past, and much more.
None of this is meant to gas me, or shade anyone. I’m just being
frank with you all so it’s clear that the temptations were REAL. But I
realized it was because I was starting to make real progress and was heading in
the right direction that the enemy was trying even harder to get me off track.
Too bad I wasn’t having it because my curve game had become immaculate (lol).
Towards the end of the third month, I was in a great rhythm.
I had started reading my Bible more often, being on my own wasn’t too
unbearable, I had found new hobbies to do in my spare time- because idle time
is when the enemy sneaks up on you- and I was even looking into some side
hustles such as programming applications and investing. It was during this peak
that I hit a very low point. I started feeling less energized, my weekends were
less enjoyable, and my mind wasn’t in the right place. I really felt like I was
on the verge of depression.
After some time, I realized this was all a slow build-up
that I had been ignoring, and it had now reached a breaking point. Like I said,
I wasn’t used to solitude. However, I knew this was exactly where I needed to
be. I needed to get to a point where my only place to turn was up above if I
really wanted to establish a stronger relationship with the Man upstairs. Sometimes
turning to your friends isn’t enough because some problems really do require
spiritual intervention. In time, I began leaning more on God, and in Him, I
found peace.
Now I know some people may think that if it got that bad,
then the logical decision would be to jump back into the social scene. As
simple as that sounds, it would have just been a Band-Aid for my internal
struggles- hiding the problem from sight and temporarily “fixing” it- but it
wouldn’t have resolved my long-term issues. As I stated before, if I wanted to
see major change, it would take major actions; so I stuck through it.
It wasn’t easy in the least bit. I was talking to the pastor
in my church, my spiritual mentors, my mom, and other people I sought spiritual
advice from every other day. After a few weeks, I was finally able to overcome
the challenge! Man, the feeling I had afterwards- indescribable. It was after
this point that I knew that it was time to set an end date for my fast.
In retrospect, reaching the end of my fast took a lot of
self-realizations in the sense that I was not as strong-willed as I’d
previously thought; humility in the sense that I could not do everything alone;
and open-mindedness in the sense that I needed to step outside of my comfort
zone. Coming to the revelations I experienced took making mistakes (and trust
me, I made quite a few), limiting my relationships with certain people in my
life, and being selfish in order to understand what was best for me. The entire
fast was beyond worth it, and I’ve literally been hype ever since I ended it.
This new mindset has had me ready to take on any challenge the world has to
throw at me, and I have God leading me every step of the way.
Next time, in part two of this post, I’ll explain the
takeaways and lessons I learned on this strenuous and treacherous, yet
invigorating and rewarding fast. Stay tuned.
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