Thriving With Your Spec

You finally found your spec and you both decided to take the next step to establish an actual relationship. That is great news! Although it may feel a bit different at times now that you are fully committed to this person, love is a beautiful thing and I’m sure it will bring you lots of happiness and enjoyment. Getting here may not have been easy, but it will definitely be worthwhile. For that to happen, you have to make sure the relationship lasts. Don’t make the mistake of applying pressure to show someone you want a future with them, only to stop putting in as much effort once you are actually with them. Relationships take intentional effort to not only maintain them but help them grow. So, what does that look like?

A relationship is like a plant—if you provide it with its essential needs and show it constant love, it will grow and blossom; however, if you neglect it, show it love when it’s convenient, and don’t provide it’s essential needs, it will wither and die. There are those whose relationships just seem to get better and better as they date because they’re taking steps to nurture it. Then there are those whose relationships are slowly deteriorating because not only have they stopped trying, but they are also ignoring the warning signs showing where the relationship is headed—the end. So, I am going to list out some crucial steps you should be taking if you truly want your relationship to last and continue to bring you happiness. They are as follows:

Keep God First

You can’t accomplish anything without God. The same way God brought you to this person, He will also help you to sustain your relationship with them—but only if you let Him. I know many people like to believe they can do life alone and can handle all the challenges life can throw at them without help from above, but that’s just not realistic. There are battles that occur in the spiritual realm, as well as the physical. “The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy …” (John 10:10) and that includes your relationship. That means you should be praying, fasting, attending church, etc. together. You need a strong and united front to withstand the enemy’s attacks, and you can’t have that without God at the center of your relationship.

Speak Their Love Languages Consistently

Your partner’s love language is how they desire love to be expressed to them and that means it’s on you to deliver; and not just deliver it, but do so consistently. I recommend talking with them about what ways you can speak their love languages and what is realistic for you to do on an ongoing basis. Once you understand how to do it, you need to keep up with it. It can be beneficial to also do check-ins with your partner at a frequency y’all agree on and ask if you have been expressing it correctly, opposed to assuming that you are doing it right. You may be surprised to find out you have actually been lacking in this area. The sooner you know where you are falling short, the sooner you can address it.

Don't Stop Dating Them 

Just because they committed to you doesn’t mean they will stick around forever with little to no effort on your part. You dated them to build this relationship and the dating shouldn’t end once it’s been established. Fellas, don’t stop planning date nights and doing romantic things to make her feel special. Women appreciate that intentional effort and thought. And yes ladies, that means you, too. The same way you want your man to go above and beyond for you, you should be reciprocating that same energy. Spare me the, “If you want to be a princess, just say that” spiel. Both people deserve to be dated, spoiled, loved and more in a relationship. When you do that, everything clicks and happiness can be enjoyed without reservation. 

Sacrifice in Love

Sacrifice is a given in any relationship. But when we’re talking about romantic relationships, this is how you show true, unconditional love, the same way our Lord expresses it to us everyday. Love isn’t just expressed when things are convenient - love deepens when a person can express it even when it’s inconvenient. That means listening even if you don’t feel like it, doing kind gestures when you’re not in the mood, catering to their needs when it’s not an ideal situation, and more. If you wanted a relationship of convenience, you’d be in a situationship—but clearly that didn’t work out; hence, why you’re here. So, don’t just sacrifice—sacrifice in love. Show your partner that their needs matter to you, even when it isn’t ideal.

Practice Patience—And Practice Some More

Everyone requires patience from their partner. It could be anything from your mannerisms, to your personality, to your habits; whatever it is, your partner is expressing patience with you everyday. There’s a reason patience is a virtue (and a major key). You could be having a stressful day at work, overwhelmed by family circumstances, or just not having the best day. There may even be times when you can’t express love as much as before due to life circumstances like personal health conditions, traumatic experiences, etc. If (and when) those situations occur, you’d want a partner to have patience with you; which means, you need to express the same to them as well.

Find New Ways to Keep Things Fresh

You don’t want your relationship to get stale by following the same routine all the time. Sometimes, a relationship starts to fade or lose its “fire” because people are going through the same motions and not trying something different. Shake things up! Go try a new restaurant. Plan a staycation in your city. Do activities neither of you have done before. Buy a relationship card game and ask deep questions you haven’t discussed before. Send each other random compliments or inspirational quotes throughout the day and week. There are countless ways to not get stuck doing the same things over and over again. Dare to venture out of your comfort zones, be spontaneous, and switch up your routine!

Remember, the Relationship is About Them, Too

Relationship—the way in which two people are connected. That means the relationship isn’t just about you. You and your partner both matter, and you both should be treated as such. That means showing your partner that they are a priority in your life, making decisions with them in mind, trying to “out-love” them each day, etc. Never fall into the mindset that the relationship is only meant to serve you. Make a continuous and conscious effort to evaluate how you are treating your partner. If you find yourself falling short in some areas, work on them without them having to point it out. Do the little, nice things for them, go beyond just speaking their love languages and ultimately, don’t take them and their love for granted.

Does your relationship feel more and more like an obligation? Maybe your partner has stopped putting in effort. Maybe you stopped trying in the relationship. Maybe you both are just getting overwhelmed with personal responsibilities. The list goes on but the truth is, when you are working to maintain a relationship and doing it in love, it shouldn’t feel like such hard work. Now, it will come with its challenges but as you overcome them, it will help improve and cultivate your relationship. The key is not to work against each other seeing the other person as the problem; rather, you should work together against the actual problem.

Now, I didn’t say maintaining a relationship would always be easy. Life happens. No one knows what each day or season of life will bring. However, you should never let them serve as excuses for putting your relationship on the back burner. We make time for the things we love and care about, no matter the circumstance. Make sure you treat your relationship like the priority it is and continue to show the other person they are loved. If you already put all this effort into making the relationship happen in the first place, why let your efforts go to waste?