As I have emphasized, boundaries are crucial in all areas of our lives. A friendship is one of the relationships that especially need it because this is someone you care about, and you can find yourself teetering the line more often than not. When it comes to expressing these boundaries, you have to be direct, clear and transparent with your friend, and explain why these things are important to you. Above all, you should enforce these boundaries with the mindset that having them doesn’t mean you care or love your friends any less. So, take a second and breathe—these boundaries won’t end your friendship lol. It will take some adjusting but it will play a critical role in ensuring the friendship lasts without the building of smaller issues that could lead to resentment. So, here are some boundaries you should think through for yourself:
Be Mindful of Communication
Emphasizing boundaries in communication is paramount. It helps avoid misunderstandings and falling into the mindset that your friend doesn’t have your best interests at heart. So what do boundaries look like in communication? They shouldn’t speak to you in a condescending, negative or demeaning way. They shouldn’t force discussions about topics you aren’t comfortable with for any reason. They shouldn’t gaslight you when you’re trying to explain how they did something wrong you didn’t appreciate. It could even be desiring direct communication opposed to beating around the bush. If you find that your friend has been doing something that you know you don’t like, it’s time to speak up. They should respect how you want to be communicated with, as they’d expect you to do the same for them.
Be Mindful of Expectations
Friendship is extraordinary in the fact that it doesn’t look the same for everyone. One person can have various types of friendships with numerous people. For that reason, it’s important to understand what expectations you have in a friendship and communicate that to your friend. What does friendship mean to you? Do you believe you should be checking in with each other consistently? Do you believe you should be able to drop in on each other without a heads up? Do you believe you should be posting each other on social media for your birthdays? Some of these may sound silly or ridiculous, but you would be surprised at the type of things people get upset about in a friendship and keep bottled up inside. It may be weird or uncomfortable at first, but it’s a needed conversation to have with each other.
Be Mindful of Sacrifice
A friend going the extra mile for you is one of the amazing benefits of a friendship. Friendships aren’t built on convenience. It takes a real friend to show up for you when you really need it. And that sacrifice is something that should be reciprocal. So, you should ask yourself if you find your friend sacrificing to the same degree that you do for them. If they do, then great! You have a solid, “... friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).” If they don’t, boundaries here would look like prioritizing yourself by not being as available as you normally would and not dropping everything when they call for help. This is also something you should communicate because they may not understand why you’re pulling back in the first place. If they do want reciprocal sacrifice, they should be willing to show up for you like you do for them.Be Mindful of Possessions
If you grew up with siblings, you most likely have had to give more than you would have liked. In a friendship, you actually have a say in what you are comfortable with sharing and what is more off-limits for you. Ask yourself some of these questions: Are you okay with them borrowing your things (e.g., clothes, household items, personal items)? Are you expecting them to return them? Are you okay with how much time you give in the friendship? Are you okay with sharing food on your plate when you eat out? Are you okay with splitting food bills down the middle, no matter what you each ordered? Are you okay with letting your friend borrow money? Are you expecting them to pay you back? I mean sharing is caring but it doesn’t have to be everything. Again, it can be a difficult conversation to have but in the long run, it helps avoid a lot of built-up tension.
Be Mindful of Influence
How many times have you heard the quote, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with” in your life? As repetitive as it may be, it is true and applies to your friendships as well. You should take a good look at your friend and determine if certain values or characteristics they have are things you actually want to be representative of you. Does your friend have an actual relationship with God? Does your friend gossip constantly? Does your friend cheat? Does your friend only think about themselves? And just to be clear, I’m not saying your friend needs to be exactly like you or do as you say. I am simply asking if their morals and values align with your own. If they don’t, then setting boundaries like limiting how much time you spend with them or loving them from a distance should be something to consider.
I may have listed quite a few things, but it will do your friendship a lot of good to actually think about what you truly care about and whether or not your desires are being respected by your friend. A friendship is a learning process, no matter how well you get along. Some people just click when they first meet, but other people grow a connection over time. No matter how it happens, the end goal is the same—building a long-lasting bond that won’t easily be broken. Friendships can be amazing when cared for properly; so, give it the respect it deserves and instill those boundaries that will help provide the fertile ground for it to grow!
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