Love is such a beautiful thing, especially when it is handled properly. It becomes even more incredible when it is manifested in the form of two people coming together romantically and, in time, becoming one in marriage. So, it may seem a bit weird to talk about “boundaries” but they are extremely important in a relationship! They help ensure the bond you two share is protected. Some would argue that nothing should be off-limits in a relationship but there are nuances to this as sometimes this can be misused and abused. There are certain boundaries that are needed to keep the love thriving and not dying a slow death. And trust me, you don't want to learn that by experience.
To clarify, as you grow in your relationship, you will find that the more love is expressed in a healthy and open manner, the more transparent your partner will be as they become more comfortable with you. This access that you have is a gift and should be handled with care. The challenge is that when people become comfortable, it can at times lead them to take actions—that are not always intentionally malicious—that can cause trust to become fractured and that access to become less available. The key factors here are whether the actions were intentional and if the person even understands what they did wrong. So, let’s dive into some crucial areas of a relationship that do require boundaries and the reasons why.
They Should Value Your Spiritual Journey
Now, even if you and your partner are both believers, neither of you are perfect. That means there is still a potential for one of you to lead the other to sin and/or away from God. So, take a pulse check: Is your partner bringing you closer to God? Are they pushing you to be more aligned with God (and not in a “holier than thou” way)? Does their life represent a Godly life? If you are answering “No” across the board, you should talk to your partner.
Bear in mind they may not even be aware of it, but you need to recognize if they are doing things that are working against your spiritual walk and address it. Maybe they want to go to the club, and you decide to stay in. Maybe they want to skip church, and you decide to show up. Maybe they don’t see a need to pray, and you pray every morning and night. You must stand firm in your relationship with God and show your partner a better way, or risk being drawn away from the Father.
They Should Value Your Voice
Communication is the foundation of any relationship and without it, things will fall apart very quickly. Therefore, it’s important to understand how your partner communicates and then cater to it. You both should ask yourselves questions like: Am I listening to understand or respond? How is my tone? Am I being mindful of nonverbals? Is their response showing I am communicating in a constructive manner? These all play a critical role in whether the communication is beneficial or detrimental.
Now, how do boundaries play a role? Your partner should not communicate in a way that disrespects you. They should not communicate in a way that belittles or demeans you. They should not gaslight you. If these examples are present in your relationship, they need to be checked. For communication to work, creating a safe space is paramount and if any of these behaviors are present, it is not possible.
They Should Value Your Trust
Trust is lost in buckets and earned in drops. All of the hard work you do to build trust with your partner can go down the drain in seconds if it is mishandled and/or taken for granted. Far too often, I see people willing to receive a lot of access to the life of their partner but aren’t willing to give it. If your partner wants the password to your phone but isn’t willing to give their own, that’s a problem. If your partner wants to know your whereabouts (e.g., where you’re staying on a trip, where you’ll be for the day) but are secretive about their movements, that’s a problem.
Trust is a two-way street—it’s hard to receive it when you aren’t willing to give it. Sure, there are things you open up to as you draw closer to your partner, but the truth is, eventually, everything is going to be shared when you’re married. So, sooner or later, something will have to give but they can’t expect one without the other.
They Should Value Your Interests
As you dive deeper into your relationship, your partner will learn more about your life and the things that matter most to you. If time matters to you, they should respect that (ladies, that means you constantly being late isn’t justified). If dates matter to you, they should respect that (fellas, that means you consistently forgetting to plan them isn’t justified). If staying active and fit matters to you, they should respect that.
They Should Value Your Emotions
We all have emotions, and sometimes we let emotions have us. Having an emotional response is normal but everyone has to be mindful of the potential consequences when left unchecked. You should not excuse your partner from letting their emotions run rampant, which can damage the bond y’all have built. Does your partner have a temper and/or yell? You need to make it clear you won’t communicate with them or be around them if that happens.
Does your partner have manipulative tendencies? Stand firm in your decisions and don’t let your partner sway you because they aren’t getting their way. The more you excuse negative behavior, the more likely it will happen again. I’m sure your partner wouldn’t appreciate it if roles were reversed; so, don’t give them a pass to do the same to you.
They Should Value You
It should go without saying that your partner should be treating you like, well, your partner (lol). By that I mean, they are treating you with respect, kindness, and other expressions to show that you actually matter to them. They should be giving you grace and not making you seem like a failure. They should be correcting you in love privately and not shamefully in public. They should be showing you mercy and not taking every opportunity to be petty. The point is they should treat you with love. Luke 6:31 states, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
If you find you are not being valued and loved in your relationship, you have to confront your partner. Setting a boundary here would mean not accepting being mistreated and letting them know you will step away if they can’t get their act together. Do not settle for being mistreated in a relationship just so you aren’t single.
You are obviously with your partner for a reason, and I am sure you want to stick with them for the rest of your life. So, shouldn’t you want to take the right steps to ensure that happens (God willing)? I have found that it’s usually the little, unspoken and unresolved things in a relationship that cause its downfall. To avoid that, you have to get ahead of the problem and talk about the things that feel awkward and uncomfortable. Don’t ever let the enemy convince you to justify harmful behaviors that are taking its toll and breaking you down.
Love grows best when it’s planted in healthy soil and watered with intentionality, selflessness and service towards one another (clock eeeeet). It does take effort and it does get tiring sometimes but the prosperous relationship you will enjoy is well worth it. And remember, these boundaries aren’t meant to limit just how close-knit a relationship you have; rather, it is meant to help ensure that as your connection continues to deepen, it doesn’t come at the cost of your overall wellbeing and happiness. Real growth doesn’t happen in comfort; so, get comfortable with having these uncomfortable conversations about boundaries with your partner and see just how much further your relationship will go over time!
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