The family bond is something that is not easily broken. Our families are our real Day 1s and have been with us since the beginning. I know they may get on your nerves and stress you at times, but the fact that they are your family will never change. However, just because they are your family doesn’t mean their input in different areas of your life is always for your benefit, and it doesn’t mean you are obligated to take it. They may have good intentions but that doesn’t always mean they are right. I mean, to be honest, there are some things in your personal life your family doesn’t need to know (e.g., when you have a disagreement with your partner). “But, how do I know when it’s okay and when it’s not?” Well, that’s where I come in!
First, I want to preface that if you are a young adult and below, you should be following your parents direction. You most likely are living under their roof but regardless should abide by their rules. So don’t go and say I told you to disobey them (you’ll take that whooping alone). Second, I want you all to understand that this post isn’t meant to push you to ignore the input of trusted family members. If you already have that healthy bond, then there’s nothing wrong with that. And third, you shouldn’t be shutting out your family altogether (unless they’re toxic). I am here to guide you on how to establish some healthy boundaries with your family members for the sake of your future and well-being. So, let’s talk about it.
They Should Respect Your Emotions
Feelings may be fleeting but they are important. Your family isn’t always cognizant of your emotions and may respond to you in a way that doesn’t keep them in mind. Maybe they compare you to your peers (“See your mates!”). Maybe they focus on the things you haven’t accomplished yet (“You still aren’t a doctor?”). Or, maybe it’s the way they’re communicating with or treating you. Whatever the case may be, sometimes family members act without thinking about the impact it will have on you.
Setting boundaries would mean vocalizing when certain topics make you feel a certain way; pointing out that the way they’re communicating isn’t productive; or even that you can’t interact with them if they are just going to put you down. Unaddressed, this could possibly lead to anxiety, depression or (God forbid) worse. The longer you hold off on speaking up, the more potential damage that can be done to you.
They Should Respect Your Career
Your career is what you will spend a significant amount of your life doing and it’s therefore imperative that you are following the career path you desire; not the one that is picked for you. There are parents out there who are pushing their children to careers just to gloat about it to their friends. There are siblings encouraging each other to take on certain jobs for the clout. The examples are endless.
Overall, family and relatives can have many opinions on what you should do with your life. You must set boundaries to quiet the noise and decide for yourself what path you want to follow. Their input can be valuable for sure, but it shouldn’t be the only factor in your decision-making process. Pursuing a career is a journey that will take trial and error before you find your niche, but your family must understand it’s your journey and not their own.
They Should Respect Your Relationship
Everyone has an opinion about everything, and your family is no different. Let me say this now—just because your family member is married (parents included), or has experience with relationships, does not mean their advice is foolproof. Some don’t have the best judge of character and are bad at picking partners; some never healed from past hurts; some have been unhappy in their marriage for decades; and others are still acting single in their marriage (or condoning it).
Now their guidance may be useful—like trusting God and practicing patience—but that doesn’t mean it will always apply to your relationship. Boundaries for your family would mean keeping your relationship business to yourself; being mindful of the guidance you choose to take; scrutinizing the source that advice is coming from; and other actions as well. You have to be cautious of what you are allowing yourself to be fed and what advice you follow.
They Should Respect Your Decisions
At the end of the day, it’s your life. The person who has to live with the outcomes of your decisions is you—not your family. So, this should be a significant motivator for you to set boundaries around the influence your family has on your decisions. You may have a mother who wanted you to marry someone in particular but God is leading you to someone else. You may have a father who wants you to live out his sports dream of going pro but you have a different passion. I mean, they treat it like they have a second chance at life through you.
There are many areas of your life where your family will try to convince you that their way is best for you but you have to be firm in making decisions for yourself. You should definitely take the time to listen, but don’t let them impose their desires on you when you know in your heart it doesn’t sit right with you. There are many unhappy people living the life their family wanted and are miserable; don’t let that be you.
They Should Respect Your Time
Time is one of your most—if not the most—precious commodities in life. It should be managed and used well because you won’t ever get it back once it’s lost. That means when you are giving your time to your family, they should respect it as well. One thing I do want to convey is that you shouldn’t be so stringent on when and how long you will help your family—because what is family for if not to help when you’re in need? But if your time not being respected is becoming a norm, then you need to draw the line.
One example of a healthy boundary here is not dropping everything to spend time with them if they keep rescheduling with you at the last minute. Another example could be assisting them for the timeframe you said you were available and not staying later because they guilt trip you. A boundary could also look like holding off on certain conversations until you have the time to truly sit down and discuss it, and not just when it’s convenient for them. Your time is valuable, too.
With the exception of some bad apples (we all know those family members), your family does want the best for you. To be clear, I never said all of their input was bad. When they’re giving you direction on how you live your life, just remember that they are speaking from personal experiences. So, the message may be well-intended but it may not always make sense to follow. As a loving family member, they also have to give you the space to try things, make mistakes and make decisions for yourself so you can learn as well. You have to take charge and accountability of your own life because the decisions that are made regarding it will primarily affect one person—you.
I know you love your family and I trust that despite everything I have listed in this post, there is good advice and solid wisdom they can pass on to you. Just be aware of how much input into your life you decide to receive and think through how that input will shape your life moving forward. And I may sound like a broken record but above all, continue to commit your situations to God for divine direction and understanding. He can help you discern between what direction you should follow and which you should avoid. Don’t forget that God is your family, too, and He will always have your back!
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