Courting Your Spec

So, you got someone you’re really interested in, and they have a lot of qualities that you believe will help a relationship to not only grow, but flourish. I presume this is someone you’ve been taking the time to talk to God about as well. If you have been taking the right steps to move intentionally in your dating journey, then I’m sure the next thing you’re thinking about is how to move towards an actual relationship. I want to note that there isn’t necessarily a timeframe between talking with someone initially and when a relationship should start; the key is how your time together is spent. At a certain point though, you will have to take the bold step to officially declare this person as your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Now, how do you bridge the gap between talking and a relationship? This is where you have to actually spend time with the person you’re interested in through conversations and dating to observe and learn more about them. These are key components you need to get a deeper understanding of who this individual is past the surface level. The most crucial factor in this process is that you must move with intention; otherwise, you are wasting their time and yours. So, I have some critical steps you should be taking to move towards a solid relationship.

Have You Started Dating Them?

When I say date, I am not talking about spending a lot of money on a girl in order to sleep with her, nor am I talking about a guy taking a girl to the fanciest restaurant just so she can show it off on social media. Dating is a process of truly learning about someone in a 1-on-1 setting without distractions and checking if there is alignment. I think it’s ideal to date in different environments (e.g., eating out, arcades, museums) because you never know which one will make the person most comfortable. You also get to learn the things a person really likes and the things they do not. Overall, a date is a time for you to ask questions, see how they think, understand what they’re really about and determine if you even enjoy their company.

What Are Their (And Your) Intentions?

You should be upfront about what your desires are with dating to ensure you are both on the same page. One major reason why people don’t have the best luck with dating is that they are dating with long-term intentions while the people they entertain have short-term ones. It’s okay to be honest about what you want and make that clear, but your delivery of it and how you go about it are just as important. Fellas, if you really aren’t serious about dating with the intention to marry, let her know upfront. Don’t deceive her so you can hit it and quit it. Ladies, if you really aren’t feeling the guy, understand that he isn’t a meal ticket. Stop wasting his time and money and let him know upfront. Let’s all be guided and keep it real with each other.

How Do They Live Out Their Faith?

Pay close attention to their morals and how they live out their faith. For a relationship to withstand the challenges that life will throw at it, you need someone in which you are equally yoked, and who is actively pursuing God. That means they don’t just go to church but spend time in His presence. That means when they face trials and tribulations, they don’t look for the worldly response but turn to God in prayer. That is someone that will help you go very far in life. If this doesn’t sound like the person you’re interested in, they will only hold you back, not hold you down. So, take extra special care to make sure this person is aligned with God and has a healthy relationship with Him. The success of your potential relationship depends on it.

How Do They Treat You and Others?

Seeing how they treat you and those around you is extremely important. Are they kind to you and nice to others? Do they treat you with respect? Are they intentional and thoughtful with their actions? Do they show consideration for your time? Are they patient with you? The questions go on and on, but the idea here is that you want to understand the person inside and out. And you shouldn’t just be asking these questions about them but of yourself as well. Are you doing the needful and are you someone in which they should even be investing their time, energy and efforts? Are you approaching these dates with the mindset of how to get the most out of them while giving as little as possible? Check yourself, too.

How Serious Are They? 

As you spend more time with them, see if they are genuinely appreciating the time they have with you and desire more of it. Are they fully engaged or constantly on their phone? Do they show you are a priority by their actions? Are they making time for you outside of personal responsibilities? Are they consistent (and ladies, I’m not just talking about the fellas)? These are different aspects that will help you see that this person is making the effort to strengthen the bond you are forming and that they see the potential of a relationship with you. And don’t misunderstand me—I don’t mean this person should be at your beck and call. I am saying you should see their effort and intention to put you in their schedule. 

What Are Their Love Languages? 

If you truly want to understand what makes someone happy, learn their love languages. Once you have an understanding around what they are, you can start expressing them. I find having a conversation around how you can speak their love languages not only shows you want to proactively do things to make them happy but are also not making assumptions that certain things should count. In addition, this gives you a chance to determine if their love languages are something you can realistically do consistently. I believe love languages should be learned ahead of time and that if you want to show the person they are a priority for you, start speaking them before a relationship is established (within reason of course).

How Do They Act in Different Environments?

Some people are unfortunately really good at presenting themselves as the perfect person when you’re dating them. But if you really want to learn more about how they act and their overall character, observe them in different environments. Some key environments include when they’re around their family, around their friends and at social gatherings. They may just shock you in how they carry themselves. Also, bear in mind, I’m not saying that people act differently in a negative way; some people are just more relaxed when they are around certain people and may be more talkative, expressive, active, etc. Those aren’t inherently bad things. I’m just saying you can learn a lot just by observing someone in their natural element.

Did You Pray Yet?

When you’ve determined that this is the person you want to take the next step with, before you do anything else, PRAY. You may even want to take it a step further and fast on it to be 100% sure that not only is this the person you desire, but the person God desires for you. How do you think people actually manage to stay happily married after 20+ years? It isn’t by having an open relationship—social media will show you that—and it isn’t by sweeping problems under the rug—because those fester and cause bigger issues. And if you pray to God for clarity and He’s silent, that could be for many reasons, but the delay doesn’t necessarily mean a denial. But this is the final step I believe should be taken before starting a relationship.

You’ll notice that I didn’t include timeframes with these steps. That is because there is no defined timeline for dating a person and when you should fully commit to them. Now, I’m not saying that you should be dating someone for a year without any commitment because unless God truly told them to wait, they either aren’t serious or aren’t sure if you’re the person for them. I’m also not saying that you should be pressuring the person to commit because there’s a higher chance that relationship won’t last. Take your time but don’t take forever to make a decision.

Above all, continue to let God direct you in your actions. He is the one, guaranteed way to ensure you are moving in the right direction with the right person. I think the main difference between a relationship that lasts for a season and one that lasts a lifetime is that one involves a partner that seemed like a good choice, while the other involves a partner that was God’s choice. And when you finally commit to the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with, then the next step is doing the needful to make sure it lasts that long. The conclusion of this series drops next month; so, check back in December for the finale!