You don’t just jump into a great relationship that can withstand all the things life has to throw at it; you have to start by building a firm foundation for it to stand on. That foundation is built by picking a quality person that won’t break you down but will build you up. People convince themselves they’ll never find someone, but the real problem is usually the type of people they allow into their lives. You can’t choose to date a bum—and I mean both men and women—and expect everything to work itself out. You have to be scrupulous in who you are choosing to date (and by scrupulous, I don’t mean looking for the perfect person—which is what a lot of people do). So, how do you start building that firm foundation? Get to know the person.
Okay, I get it, they look good, they smell good, and upfront, they seem like they just have to be the person for you. But don’t let looks fool you into starting something you’ll regret. If you really want a strong foundation of a relationship, you gotta look deeper than the skin; you have to really learn who this person is—inside and out. What makes them tick? How do they treat others? What do they like? You should seek to understand their character and personality at the core. So, in addition to the questions above, and as you get to know them, there are some things you should ask yourself (and seriously consider):
Did you consult God?
I list this first because it saves the most trouble in the long run. God knows who He wants for you. But are you willing to listen? Before you can even listen, do you actually have a relationship with Him? Are you just going to church, or do you actively pursue Him? If you’re not even where you need to be in your relationship with God—or it’s nonexistent—stop reading here and start working on that. This is a major reason why people have trouble dating—God isn’t even in the center of their lives. But if you do have that solid relationship, God can give you that clarity if you ask Him. That is always my #1 suggestion of where to start.
What are their non-negotiables?
This is another simple method in your process of elimination. There is a big difference between a preference and something that is non-negotiable. Having a full beard and being well-endowed are preferences; not wanting kids is a non-negotiable. If someone is saying something is a non-negotiable from the get-go, and it’s something you desire, then save yourself the trouble. People try to force something and then wonder why it doesn’t work out. At the end of the day, it’s your decision whether you want to take the risk or not, but don’t be surprised at the results, because the only person who will be shocked is you.
Do you share the same values?
I see values as the guiding beliefs and principles that influence and guide the decisions you make and how you live your life. Some examples include generosity, spirituality and integrity. Family and community can also be major values for you. Overall, it is extremely beneficial for a relationship when your values align. Your values are a major part of who you are, and when you are with someone who doesn’t share them, it can cause a great deal of friction. I’m not saying it’s impossible to make it work with someone who doesn’t share your values; but it may create difficulties when you are making choices that will impact your life.
Are there any red flags?
Ignoring any red flags or toxic traits can cost you dearly when you are considering dating someone. Does this person have anger issues? You are not their therapist; let them get help. Have they not healed from past hurts? Hurt people hurt people. Are they still not over their ex? Yes, if they are still hooking up with them, they are not over them. Are they only interested in what they can get out of you? Yeah, one-sided relationships are a hard no. Do they manipulate people? Well, I hope you don’t think you’ll be an exception. People will show you who they really are if you give them the chance. You just need to pay attention.
Is this just physical attraction?
Looks won’t make a relationship last. You both will change as time goes on, and you never know what could happen down the road. So, if you want to build a strong foundation with someone, there needs to be other things that attract you to them. Are they a kind person? Do they make you laugh? Are they someone who uplifts you when you’re feeling down? If the list is short, or you really can’t think of much besides their looks, then you should keep it pushing. And it will take time to learn the other traits they have, but you should have that top of mind before you take any steps past just appreciating their looks.
Do they possess qualities you desire in a spouse?
I assume you are here because you want to date someone intentionally with the goal of eventually getting married. So, if this assumption is true, it’s never too early to think about what qualities you would want in your future spouse. You can see many qualities a person has just by observing them. Are they patient? Are they good with kids? Do they go above and beyond for their loved ones? Do they manage their money well? Are they ambitious? I’m not saying people can’t grow into these things or learn them, but I think it’s a huge plus when people can show you certain characteristics upfront that would make them a great life partner.
How do they communicate?
Eventually, you will have to talk to them if you want things to go anywhere. But when you do talk, pay close attention. Do they tell you when something is wrong? Do they listen attentively or listen to respond? If there is a conflict, do they try to discuss it or do they act out? Communication is one of the core factors in a successful relationship; without it, a relationship won’t be able to withstand the numerous disagreements you all will have and life’s challenges. Communication is definitely an area that can be improved, but it will take the person’s willingness to make it happen.
I understand it can be a very draining and tiresome process of learning about someone new and potentially having to repeat this process if things don’t work out. But trust me, you will thank yourself later if you don’t get lazy in this process of getting to know someone. Not only will it save you a lot of trouble in the long run by having less time wasted, but it will also drastically increase the chances that the interest you have can grow into a healthy, long-lasting relationship. But it’s up to you to apply the things you’ve read here today. And once you do, we will take the next step later this month with getting those dates lined up. See you soon!
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