Welcome back! If you haven’t read the first part of this series, I strongly recommend you go back and finish that piece before starting this one. If you have, let’s keep the list going!
We’re Still Carrying Old Baggage
You can’t really expect to go far in a relationship when you haven’t fully gotten over your past, now can you? In this fast-paced society, we have grown accustomed to the “on to the next one” mantra, and refuse to address personal issues before starting to get to know someone new. What’s worse is when you have those who have been so scarred by past hurt, they aren’t even willing to open up to another person. That in itself is just as counter-productive. I may not have gone through your situation per se, but I do know that until you address what has happened in your past, you won’t be able to start moving towards your future. In addition to these individuals, you also have those who won’t take responsibility for their role in dates going south. When was the last time you reflected on how your dating life has gone, and where things went wrong? Be open to the idea that you may have played some part in why your dating life hasn’t been very successful. Think about where you fall and start taking action.
We Jump the Gun Toooooo Soooon
The second you introduce something reserved for a serious relationship like marriage, such as having sex, into the dating dynamic, things change. That is why there are certain actions God reserves for the confines of marriage - how it affects the both of you will have some impact on the relationship moving forward. Now, I can’t tell you how to live your life; all I can do is advise you based on Biblical principles. But if you are okay with introducing certain activity when you are getting to know a person, you are opening yourself to the possibility that it will be all they expect of you, and that they may no longer be interested in getting to know you on a deeper level afterwards. Also, it’s not just sex - there is trying to commit too soon, expecting things from the other person that shouldn’t be a thing in the dating phase (i.e., gender roles), cohabitation, and more. And I’m not saying things will for sure turn out badly; I’m just saying give things time and be smart about it. Living your best life sounds real good until someone gets hurt.
The Lines Between “Talking” and “Committed” are Blurred
As if dating wasn’t already complicated enough, we now have a complex where people don’t know if they are actually dating a person exclusively, or just having casual conversations while casually flirting on a casual basis - aka “talking” - because it isn’t defined. This situation occurs when one person believes that the two involved parties are seriously dating with some intent for something more, while the other person believes they are just testing the waters and getting to know each other. I think people may have different definitions of “talking” but the main problem here is a lack of communication of what you two are doing. I’m not sure why we are so afraid to have a conversation to clarify things - maybe you think speaking up will ruin what you two have going on. But what do you two really have? And are you truly happy? I implore you to define things. I’m not saying this is something to discuss on the first date. But the more dates you have and as emotions begin to develop, the more important it becomes to have this conversation.
We are Afraid to Fully Commit
When the time finally comes to take that next step, people may say things like, “I don’t like titles,” or, “Why do we need to be exclusive or official?” So what do you do? You accept a “situationship” because you think it’s good enough. But honestly, this creates more problems because you end up having to contain your desire for more since it’s not what the other person wants. I couldn’t think of a better definition of settling (which is something no one should ever do). If they’re afraid to define a relationship when that time comes, then you know where they stand and need to act accordingly. You can, and will, find someone that can bring more to the table, and do more for you without restraint. And for those perpetuating this, if this isn’t an honest mutual agreement between the two of you, you are hurting the other person more than you realize, and it’s time to either step up or step off.
We Use the Past to Set Current Expectations
Listen. We’re all different. That means there will be a number of things you see in one person that you do not see in others. If you want to ensure dating a person will go nowhere, walk in with the expectation that they will do everything that someone in your past did. This could be anything from how they made you laugh, to how they connected with you on certain levels. It’s completely unfair for this new candidate - whose resume you are reviewing - that could offer other valuable things, but you can’t see it because you are blinded by the past. Obviously you and that other person aren’t even together, and you are dating for a reason. So you need to put them out of mind. Remember, when dating someone, they open up more as you move along, but you will never be able to fully understand and date them wholeheartedly if they are placed at a disadvantage due to the handicaps you mentally set on them.
We Suck at the 3 C’s: Communication, Conflict Resolution and Compromise
Communication: This is the foundation of any strong relationship and will definitely need to be something you are able to do effectively when dating. If you can’t communicate your point across in a productive way, you will find yourself being misunderstood, which could lead to trouble down the road. Practice learning to convey your feelings and ideas to the other person the right way, and not keeping things to yourself.
Conflict Resolution: If you can’t work through your problems together, it will continue to eat away at any progress you are making with them. You could be doing everything right and then as soon as a disagreement arises, it all goes down the drain. Before you even think of starting a relationship with that person, you need to be able to do this successfully. It’s not about trying to convince the other person of your side; rather, you should do your best to understand their standpoint and come to some agreeable outcome that allows you both to move forward.
Compromise: You will not always get your way. Learning to concede to some degree is crucial to success in dating, and in relationships. This will show the other person you are not too prideful, and are willing to take actions to create peace. If you are not able to compromise at all, you will find yourself constantly at odds with the other person. It’s not always about you; it’s about what will be best for the relationship you are building.
As you were reviewing the points from these past 2 posts, if you found that any related to you, then the next step is being willing to address them. You can’t expect other people to change their areas in need of improvement when you aren’t. We all have to have some accountability on our shortcomings and be willing to better ourselves when the fault is on our side. Hey, sometimes it takes honest feedback from those you’ve dated to understand what areas pertain to you if you don’t see them, but recognizing and resolving them is the key here. Also, I am not saying that everyone reading this is always at fault. All I am saying is that none of us are perfect, and that it may take some personal reflection to understand what areas we need to work on. We’d be surprised what we discover.
Now, that may have been a lot to unpack, digest, accept and/or come to terms with, but we’re not done yet - I have more truth to drag you with (that’s a bit aggressive actually - expose you with). I would truly like to see progress in the dating world not only for this generation, but the next and even the previous. So! For the next 4 parts of this series, we will discuss why women find it difficult to date men, why men find it difficult to date women, what men can improve in the dating realm, and vice versa. Getting open and honest feedback from the other side can serve as a huge benefit for everyone. But you have to make sure you’re coming with a willingness to learn, and not getting defensive about what you read (that in itself might be a sign). Otherwise, I may as well be speaking to a wall. And you’ll be exactly where you were before - single.
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