Dating Nowadays: Oh, You Still Single? (Part 1)

I don’t think I’ve seen the dating world as disordered as I do now. It’s kind of crazy when you think about how high the divorce rate is, and how it’s risen over time. But if you REALLY think about the steps that people take towards a marriage, you’d realize a lot of the problems stem from the place that set the stage for it𑁋 the dating phase. The way it’s treated, the way we go about it, and how we take off from there heavily impacts the outcomes we later experience. So to solve the bigger problem, we have to start at the source.

Now, I’m sure we all think that none of us could be at fault for how our dating life has played out but therein lies the problem. We don’t take enough time and effort to truly reflect on what our personal shortcomings may be before we even begin to date, and/or point fingers at other people as the cause of our failed attempts at a relationship. But trust me, we will get into all of that later in the series. For now, we will speak generally about what happens nowadays in the dating world that significantly impacts our current results𑁋 typically still single, and potentially wondering where things went wrong.

Society has adopted different practices that have become the norm, and we have no idea how it not only affects the other person, but ourselves down the road. I have listed a good amount of them below that I feel are most prevalent and have been the most consequential, but trust me, this is not a comprehensive list. Later in the series, I will provide additional insight on points specific to each gender. But for now, let’s get started on everyone!

God is Not at the Center of Our Actions

It’s interesting how often we “thank God” for placing us in a high position, giving us a certain job, helping us get recognized for something, and/or bringing people into our lives. However, what’s more enthralling is how small a role God actually played in those events. The same applies to dating. Many times, God never directed or pushed us to pursue, or get involved, with certain people. And then we’re surprised when that person doesn’t mesh well with us, or isn’t what we are looking for in a partner. We may know what we want, but God knows what we need. If you aren’t even inquiring of Him whether or not you should be dating someone, and you don’t allow Him to guide you, you will find many dates overall amounting to nothing.

We Confuse Lust for Love

When we allow our physical attraction to another person to direct who we date and give our time to, we can become misguided by lust. Now don’t get me wrong𑁋 you should definitely be attracted to the person you are dating, and it’s not a bad thing if you decide to look into someone because you like the way they look. All I’m saying is that it shouldn’t just stop there. The person should have some substance to them, and have the potential to add value to your life. Physical traits will change over time, and what is left is that intimate and emotional connection you share with that person. That is why many people realize that they are in lust with a person, rather than in love so late in the game (and we will touch on that more later). If that connection isn’t there or built over time, you may end up learning that painful truth the hard way.

We Overshadow the Many Red Flags with the Few Good Times

This is probably one of the most critical mistakes people make when they really like someone. The red flags that reveal that this person is not the one for us; that they will end up being more of a detriment than a benefit; that their values and our values don’t overlap; and other factors that show us that we should not continue to date them, and/or build a deeper connection than we already have. Trust me, I know what that’s like𑁋 you have those great times when everything seems perfect and you’re so enthralled with them that time apart is difficult. But if you allow those good times to overshadow the truth that you need to face, you will end up getting hurt, and the damage can be long-lasting.

We Leave Everything to Texting Rather Than Actual Conversations

We have become so obsessed with the convenience of texting that we allow it to be the medium we use to address every matter in our lives. Texting is great and all when you’re busy at work, handling something at home, or enjoying time with friends. But when a serious situation presents itself, you need to break away from the comfort of hiding behind an SMS and hop on a call. Texting is far too calculated, and does not fully express the emotion one is trying to convey. So whether you two are having an argument, letting the other person know how you feel, or (unfortunately) ending things, talking to the person is necessary at times. It should actually become a regular thing as you get to know a person so you can truly understand them.

Ghosting is a Thing

Somehow, it has become normal for a person to just disappear on other people when they are through with them𑁋which can mean many things𑁋without any regard to how that may affect the other person. I do believe there are some situations that warrant it such as someone that may be dangerous, people causing you to act out of character despite your efforts to make them aware of this, or those intentionally trying to disrupt your energy. But many times, it is out of pettiness, a desire to hurt the other person, or a lack of courage to confront them about something. It seems so effortless to ghost someone and think that we showed them who holds the power, or how little we care about something, but that could scar them in ways we can’t imagine. Think about their feelings the next time you decide to disappear without a trace.

Our Pride Hinders Us From Doing What’s Important

We all need to get over ourselves and understand that we are not perfect. We will make mistakes, we have areas we need to work on, and everyone is just as human as we are. So if you do something wrong, swallow your pride and apologize. If you did something that hurt the other person, acknowledge it and assure them it won’t happen again. Hold yourself accountable when you are at fault. Remember, you are dating this person with the potential that it could become something more serious. How can you expect to take that next step when you’re standing in your own way? Not being able to do these things sends the other person the message that you don’t value their emotions, or how they feel about certain things. In that same vein, if you can’t do that for them, why should anyone do that for you?

We are Looking for Perfection We Will Never Find

It’s amazing how often the 80/20 rule is forgotten𑁋 the fact that the person we are dating may have 80% of what we are looking for, but we are focused on the missing the 20%. That 20% leads us to believe that the grass is greener elsewhere, and we end up missing out on great people. We think that the 80% we have found isn’t enough because we are still allowing our eyes to scan the field. We also give ourselves too much credit at times when we think we bring 100% of everything to the table (which we don’t), and/or think because we have a multitude of options available that we can somehow finesse a way to find someone that is a combination of all the best qualities to get that 100%. I’m not saying the second you find that 80% to jump at it, but we need to face facts that we will not find someone who meets 100% of what we want. The person God has destined for us may not even have 50% of what we want, but they will have 100% of what we need.

Now, that was a lot of material. I want you all to examine this list, let it marinate and put it into perspective how it relates to you (because I’m sure at least one of these may relate to you in some way). Rather than overload you with more points (because I have more HEAT to publish), we will stop there and finish this list in part 2 of this series. Stay tuned!