Dating Nowadays: Do You Want to Secure Future Bae? (Part 1)

The moment you have all been waiting [a long time] for (lol). We have now come to the ending of this series. So far, we have covered both men and women, and what each side can do better in the dating world to get better results. But what can we do to improve the dating world as a whole? We can start by addressing the challenges we explored in the first two parts of this series. Below, I have listed advice on how to implement some simple strategies to help ensure you are not adding to the toxicity already out there and have better experiences with those in which you have interest. There may be other areas of your life you need to work on, but this can help you make some great headway not only for your benefit, but for the dating world overall.

Stop Putting God on the Back Burner

One of the biggest areas I find that people lack when they are in the dating phase is that they are not truly aligned with God. And when I say aligned with God, I don’t just mean being a believer – I mean truly situated in your faith to the point your desires align with God’s desires. You see, there’s a difference between a good thing and a God thing. A good thing may bring you joy and not cause any harm, but it may not be what God wants for you. God’s plan is meant to help prepare you for something much greater down the road

The problem we as humans have is that when we are planted in a place that isn’t the most attractive, we start looking elsewhere for other “good” things instead. Then, we wonder why we have trouble finding the one God has ordained for us, or have our time wasted doing trial and error with people. A great test for this would be asking yourself if God took away anything from you right now –person or thing– would you love Him any less? Until your answer is truly no – i.e., you don’t have any worldly ties – you aren’t in true alignment with God, and won’t have the discernment to tell when a person you’re interested in is truly someone to invest in or not.

Stop Confusing Lust for Love

Of course, before we can even build interest in a person, we must be attracted to them. There is no way around that simply because there must be something (or things) about that person that draws you to them opposed to other people. This is what captures you enough to turn in their direction – because you like what you see! The problem however lies in how things play out down the road. See, there’s no problem with finding someone attractive, but it does become an issue when that desire for them turns to lust.

Sometimes, people confuse the connection they’ve built to be love when it’s really lust. When it’s lust, you’re not willing to work through challenges together, unable to resolve conflicts effectively, and instead, “solve” your issues by physical means. Once you fall into that trap believing that the physical connection fixes things, it is the beginning of the end. I encourage you to reflect on the feelings you say you have for this person and determine what it’s deeply rooted in, because this can be a fatal mistake if not addressed.

Stop Ignoring the Red Flags

Now when I talk about red flags, since we all want to be blind to them when we really like a person, I am referring to the things people do, believe, or say, that are off putting to you, go against your own beliefs, and/or disturb your inner peace. I am being as general as possible because red flags can span across many areas from one’s personality, to how they treat others, to what they are involved in, and so on. Some examples include mistreating their family members, toxic feminism or masculinity, and showing overly aggressive behavior towards you.

The list could go on forever but when these appear, biko, take them as your cue to be going! I’m not saying run at any and every sign; hence, why I said red flag(s) – unless it’s something blatant like abuse, which is wrong. However, when they start to show them consistently, you shouldn’t need any other push to know it’s time to go. They say when someone tells you who they really are, you should listen. Those who decide to ignore the signs and continue shouldn’t be surprised when they find themselves back at square one.

Stop. Ghosting.

People have taken this “I don’t want my time wasted” mantra to a ridiculous and unhealthy level. Yes, you should make sure that the person you’re interested in isn’t negatively affecting you. But also, none of us are perfect. I’ve heard too many cases of people disappearing for small misunderstandings. This idea of just ghosting someone when it’s no longer “serving you” or “giving what it’s supposed to give” is a bad cop-out. Imagine you haven’t responded to someone’s text for the whole day because of a family emergency, and then you reply to explain only to be met with a “I’m good love - I don’t have time for games” text.

If you truly have an issue with something, learn to speak up about it. Isn’t that a more positive response than just dropping everything altogether? Let’s learn to extend some grace to people without being so reactive. And before you try to rule yourself out of this, please understand, I’m not talking about situations where someone is consistently doing wrong – that is completely different. But even then, I don’t see why you can’t just point that out to them and keep it moving because if you don’t, chances are they will repeat the same patterns with other people out there (which could be your friend, your sibling, your loved one, etc. – you never know).

Stop Being Blinded by Pride

Are you still so immature that you don’t want to double text? Are you so cocky that you’ve convinced yourself that you always know what’s best? Is saying “I love you” last some sort of contest? Will it kill you to express yourself when something is bothering you? Is it paining you to pick up the phone first and call them because you want to hear their voice? Are you that choked up to apologize when you even play a small role in a problem? People really have trouble out here when doing anything that society says makes you look weak.

Let me tell you something - pride has no place in any relationship you are trying to build. Swallow your pride. You will make mistakes. You will want grace extended to you in those times but will find it in short supply when you can’t do the same. Take some responsibility for your actions. It’s not always about being right. If you are trying to build something meaningful and long-lasting, start approaching things from more of a team mindset, i.e., when you both win, there is peace. Don’t let pride be the thing that has you missing out on something great because pride cometh before what? You know the rest.

Stop Looking for Perfection

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m sure you aren’t looking for the perfect individual. Yet, you somehow still have a laundry list of things you want in a person. Don’t get me wrong, you should have things you’d like in a person, and I’m sure you have non-negotiables, but some people can’t seem to differentiate the two. Some of the most popular non-negotiables I hear that seem to fall more on the desired qualities side are height, salary, skin tone, and hair type. But the issue is that this contradicts the first point I make about being truly aligned with God. You may know what you want, but God also knows what you need to accomplish the great plans He has for you.

However, when God tries to bring us someone that doesn’t check all our boxes, we tend to disregard them. That tells me that a person isn’t truly aligned with God, and again, adds more reason to why they are still aren’t having the best luck. The truth is, if we meet someone who is actively pursuing a relationship with God, then we don’t have to worry about listing all the necessary qualities like honesty, trust, loyalty, etc. because they will have them. But the question stands – are you going to keep looking for what you want, or are you going to let Jesus actually take the wheel and guide you.

Stop Leaving Everything to Texts

In this age of social media and advanced technology where being connected is easier than ever before, we’re even more disconnected than we’ve ever been. We have forgotten how to make genuine connections with people and leave everything to the digital world. Instead of trying to express ourselves and our feelings, we text it and leave it to chance to avoid direct confrontation, or “risk it all” by dropping a quick reaction on Instagram.

As convenient as technology makes things, it robs us of many social skills that are necessary in life. Learn to pick up the phone and have an actual conversation. If you truly want to build a more genuine and deeper connection with someone, you’re gonna have to take things past the DMs and SMS. It may be uncomfortable and difficult, but it’ll be worthwhile.

Now, again, due to the sheer number of areas there are to work on in the dating world, I am going to stop here. Take the time to study this list and think about how you can implement these actions and shift your mindset. If you feel like none of these areas apply to you and/or have already taken steps to address them since the inception of this series, then stay tuned for next month’s release. Remember, the goal here is to start improving your experiences and results in the dating world. You can only do that when you are open to making personal adjustments as needed without always blaming the lack of caliber of the potential partners out there.

Part two – the FINALE – dropping in November!