Real Friends, How Many of Us?

When it comes to the topic of friendship, everyone seems to have different definitions. But I think Dictionary.com defines a friend pretty well as, “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” I believe this definition really helps delineate between a true friend and these numerous “friend” variations society has created. In my opinion, family is family and is in a category of its own. But if you’re sexually involved with someone who isn’t your partner, can you truly say this person is a friend? What happens if you remove the sexual aspect - will you still be real friends? Let’s look at what a friendship looks like and go from there.

I decided to look through the Bible to see what it had to say on the topic of friendship and found 7 powerful verses that provide insight on what truly defines a friend:

“One who forgives an affront fosters friendships, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.” - Proverbs 17:9 (a friend forgives when you have done wrong) 

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” - Proverbs 17:17 (a friend loves you unconditionally)

“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” - Proverbs 18:24 (a friend is there in your time of need)

“Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” - Proverbs 27:9 (a friend gives sincere guidance out of love and with your best interests at heart)

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens another friend.” - Proverbs 27:17 (a friend seeks to help you grow)

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” - Galatians 6:2 (a friend doesn’t let you go through tribulations alone)

“Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are already doing.” - 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (a friend uplifts and encourages you)

There are, of course, more qualities to a friend, but the ones listed above are crucial - and by crucial, I mean if you don’t see these qualities in those you call friends, they probably are falling short of the mark (or maybe you are). You call someone your friend, but they’re constantly putting you down. You call someone your friend, but they only help you when it’s convenient. You call someone your friend, but you avoid giving them constructive criticism to keep the peace. Those don’t sound like friends - it’s giving acquaintances.

Still defending those “friends” you got? Well, I created a checklist that I believe will help you deduce whether someone is your friend or not. Now, this is not a comprehensive list and I am not saying if you don’t have a “yes” to every question, that someone is not your friend. It just means that your friendship is at a certain level with that individual (and we’ll get into that later).

The list is as follows:

1. Do they know the basic facts about you and more (e.g., your occupation, your family structure and dynamic, things you actually like, your relationship status, certain challenges you are going through)?
2. Do they check in with you (e.g., see how you’re doing, ask about life)?
3. Are they available to you when you are in need (i.e., not just when it’s convenient)?
4. Can they be brutally honest with you when necessary, and it doesn’t affect y’alls friendship in a negative way (because we all need it eventually)?
5. Can YOU be brutally honest with THEM when necessary, and it doesn’t affect y’alls friendship in a negative way (because chile, we all know people who will tell you everything you’re doing wrong and get offended when you call them out)?
6. Can you trust them to speak about you positively, and defend you, when you’re not around (some people are two-faced, okay)?
7. Can you trust them with your deepest secrets and confidently say they will keep it to themselves (we all know those people that when you tell them, you’ve told the world)?
8. Even after a disagreement or argument, can you make up and the friendship goes back to normal (because some people never let things go)?
9. Do they constantly uplift you, or bring you down (i.e., you can’t remember the last time they actually supported or encouraged you)?
10. Do they respect your boundaries (e.g., your relationship (if you’re in one), areas of your life that may be a bit touchy, your faith and beliefs, things you dislike)?

If you got some 10/10s, then that’s great! You’ve got some really solid people in your life. If you have some people that are maybe in the 7 to 9 range, that’s okay, too - we all still have growing to do. But if they are 6 and below, I mean, do I gotta say it? But also understand that it may be a situation where if the friendship isn’t giving everything you are looking for, you may just need to take a step back. That doesn’t mean you aren’t friends per se; rather, you are meeting that person where they are. Overall, these questions are meant to be a guide to understand what a friendship should entail and where others, or even you, may be falling short.

And honestly, if you’re doing so much for someone who is willingly receiving and not reciprocating, then that sounds like a one-sided friendship (which we’ll get into later). This “friendship” will ultimately drain you, and potentially turn into resentment - and just as a note, I’m talking about individuals where this is the norm; not the people who may be going through something at the time.

Now, let’s talk about levels of friendships. The truth is that not every friendship is the same (i.e., we have best friends, close friends, regular friends and so on), and not everyone pours into them the same way they do others. There are some people who would fly out to see a friend but won’t do that for others. There are some people who would give money to a friend who needs it without expecting repayment, and others who expect it as soon as possible. In my opinion, I think it is very important to be aware of what level of friendship you have with individuals so that you understand the energy you should, or should not, be giving it. I don’t think you should be going above and beyond for people who won’t do so for you - but we will get into that later.

So I know I mentioned a lot of topics that I said we would get back to because I want to dive a little deeper into them. But for the sake of not turning this into a thesis, I will break this up into a 3-part series. The next topic we will discuss is how to address setbacks in a friendship and what exactly is crossing the line. Then, we will finish the series by discussing how to nurture friendships to help them grow and last a lifetime. Make sure you’re locked in because there is plenty more to talk about and unpack. Stay tuned!