And the finale has finally arrived! Let’s close out the series, shall we?
Stop Carrying Old Baggage
How can you expect to build something solid with someone on a shaky foundation? You’re mixing your old baggage and unresolved past hurt into this bond you’re developing, and it’s going to end in the connection falling apart. This new individual you are looking to potentially create a future with is not the cause of your past heartbreak, nor should they be held accountable for it. That means that if you want things to go smoothly and you want what you two build to last, you need to get yourself right. That means you need to check yourself first and ensure you have a clean slate before opening yourself up to someone else.
That means if there is anything you still have not fully addressed, DO NOT waste someone’s time by “testing the waters'' or “trying to see where things go” because it will not end well. They cannot fix your problems for you. I’m tired of hearing people looking for something wrong when things are going well; frustrating the person they’re interested in with toxic habits they haven’t gotten rid of; bringing up what their past escapades did to them - It’s ENOUGH. Ladies, this means that even though he did you dirty, all men are not trash. Fellas, this means that even if she did you wrong, women don’t deserve bad treatment. Let’s do better by being better.
Stop Jumping the Gun So Soon
Okay, I get it - he looks fine with that temple fade and chiseled body and seems to really get you. And oh, I know - she looks good in that sundress, figure looking right and vibes with you on a different level. And somehow, that’s all it takes for us to take things too far too fast. We hurt ourselves more than we realize when we all too quickly open ourselves up to others and everything they could potentially be carrying. Listen, when you have sex with someone and/or start a relationship prematurely with them without knowing who they really are, you’re opening yourself up to potential emotional and spiritual damage.
Our bodies are a temple that we should respect and hold to a higher regard. See, when we hear that statement, we only think about the physical, and forget that the spiritual, mental and emotional aspects matter just as much, if not more. So stop jumping into bed with someone just because they look good, are nice to you and/or show you some attention. Stop creating soul ties to people you were never supposed to be connected to. Stop starting relationships for the sake of consistency and having a partner - it will be a slow and painful death when things don’t work out. Be patient and take the time to get to know them.
Stop Blurring the Lines Between “Talking” and “Committed”
I’m not sure what generation this started with but from what I have seen, “talking” has done a lot more harm than good. You see, it’s become pretty unclear what people mean in the dating world because everyone seems to have their own definition of commitment. One person thinks “talking exclusively” means you two are [basically] in a relationship, without the title, and the other person thinks you two are still getting to know each other. If you want to avoid unnecessary drama, hurting someone’s feelings, and/or potentially leading somebody on, you need to be clear about your intentions and not leave things up to interpretation.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with communicating your desires and intentions to someone you are interested in because it allows them to decide how they want to proceed. If you state intentions that aren’t true just to keep them around, you’re manipulating them (and grimy for doing it). And if you are unsure about your intentions, and they decide to drop you, that’s just the risk you take because chances are, someone out there is serious and ready to take it to the next level. So, how about we save ourselves a whole lotta trouble, and just be upfront about what we want and are looking for from someone - SIMPLE. It’s not that deep.
Stop Being Afraid to Fully Commit
Let’s see - you two vibe in ways you haven’t with others before, y’all share the same values, have the same desires for your futures and you’re at peace when you’re around and/or talking to them. In lieu of praying for spiritual confirmation - which I highly recommend - you can’t see any other reason from starting something more serious with them. I mean, besides the fact that you find it difficult to actually commit due to the fear of losing “all the other options you have”. Or, that you can no longer receive “special treatment” and gifts from your multiple potentials and/or sugar parents (mamas or daddies). Or maybe it’s because you have become too comfortable with having the benefits of a relationship without the relationship itself.
Now, this “thing” you two are doing becomes a situationship and once it’s there, it becomes very difficult to make it anything more than what it is - a situation that will soon pass. I am not saying that every person you have a connection with is the one for you and I am not saying to jump into a relationship just because it feels right (because emotions are fleeting). I am encouraging you to not allow your past and fears to hinder you from taking that next step. If you just want to have something casual, then by all means, make that clear. But that casual relationship will never bring full and long-lasting satisfaction.
Stop Using the Past to Set Current Expectations
Which leads me to my next point - when you have experienced certain joys with someone else you are no longer involved with, you need to understand that it is now in the past. When we have enjoyed something (or things) with someone else and someone new isn’t doing the same things from jump (or at all), we tend to subconsciously start looking for problems that aren’t there. Sure, what you were enjoying may be something you seemingly can’t do without, but clearly it wasn’t enough to keep the two of you together. Everyone has unique capabilities and benefits to offer but we can’t learn what those are when we keep looking back.
Sometimes, these benefits are not seen at first (and that is why patience is so important). Would you want someone you really like dubbing you because you aren’t doing something someone else used to do? That doesn’t really seem fair. Nor does it seem realistic to try and look for your past person in someone else. Now, you may have values (non-negotiables) or certain needs (love languages) that you are looking to be met (and you should not have to compromise on those), but beyond that, take a good look to see if the person you are getting to know truly has a problem, or if the problem is you.
Stop Minimizing the Importance of the 3 C’s: Communication, Conflict Resolution and Compromise
There are three aspects of any relationship you want to build that are paramount in order for it to work, prosper and last - communication, conflict resolution and compromise. Communication is the centerpiece of any relationship because it’s how bonds are formed. We use it to express how we feel, what we like, things that bother us, etc. Without it, we can’t build anything with anyone. Communication means speaking to the person respectfully, using nonverbals to show you’re listening (not just hearing), and overall, creating the basis for y'all to solidify a connection.
Which leads to conflict resolution - when communication goes south and there is a disagreement that leads to a real problem. Listen, when there is trouble, emotions run high and things can escalate. But it is crucial to leverage methods such as taking a break from the conversation, holding your tongue to avoid disrespecting one another, and/or choosing to agree to diffuse a situation and avoid potentially hurting one another. This helps reduce the tension and create a space where you can actually work together to find a resolution.
This ultimately can lead to a compromise - when the solution allows both of you to get some of what you want but no one gets everything they want. You are two completely different people. You think differently and therefore, will not always agree on everything. If you want each other to be happy, it will take some sacrifice at times. When you both are working to find a solution rather than trying to be right, you can save yourself from a lot of problems and disputes down the road.
Now I know the streets are rough chile lol but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope. It we were all willing to work more on ourselves and address our shortcomings; assess our desires to determine if they are really non-negotiables or preferences; take the time to think if there is really a problem with this person or was it that something else about them that turned you off; and be HUMBLE (because the only perfect being is G-O-D), we could literally change the game. There are other challenging areas in the dating world, but I believe this is a great place to start. Whether you take my advice or not, I hope you at least got some food for thought!
Y’all be safe in these streets.
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