And after a very hefty waiting period, we have arrived at the part you all have been waiting for - the dating solutions discussion. We are starting with the men to answer the question, “How can you address the areas you’ve fallen short when it comes to dating women?” If you haven’t read the previous posts of this series, please go back and read them first for context. For those who have been following it diligently, let’s keep it going.
Date What You Can Handle
Honestly, you have to ask yourself the question, “What am I bringing to the table to attract and/or date this kind of woman?” If you see that she is spending a certain amount of money, eating at certain kinds of restaurants or paying for certain brands, be frank - are her tastes something you can even afford? If you see her always on the go, or traveling to new places each month, be real - is that a lifestyle you can keep up with? If you see she is always posting Christianity quotes and spending her free time at church and/or Bible studies, be upfront - are you able to walk with her on that path?
The truth is fellas, there are women cut from different cloths out there that come from numerous backgrounds. Just because one doesn’t match what you are looking for, doesn’t mean there aren’t others that will. So rather than taking up the time of someone you know you don’t mesh with, or can’t be the man she desires, find women that are more aligned with you. It will save you a great deal of trouble and stress. And don’t try to change who you are either for someone because it won’t be long before the truth reveals itself.
Get In Touch With Your Emotions
Somehow, the age old mindset of “men don’t show emotion” still holds strong in today’s society. How you can expect to fully open up to a woman if you’re not willing and able to be vulnerable with her. Oh, you can sit in an exit row to go to the Maldives but you can’t tell her how you really feel - yeah, okay. Women are usually more emotionally-inclined than men are and appreciate when you’re willing to open up to them. It shows you trust her, can confide in her and are trying to build a deeper connection with her past just the verbal and physical aspects of a relationship.
Opening up means if you’re truly sad about something or experienced something traumatic, that there’s nothing wrong with needing someone to hold you. Showing emotion means that if you feel some type of way about something, that there’s nothing wrong with expressing your discontent with it. Being vulnerable means that if you are truly happy about a life event, that there’s nothing wrong with shedding some tears. Emotions don’t make you any less of a man; if anything, it makes you more of a man to show how comfortable you are with yourself to express your raw feelings.
Have Clear Communication and Intentions
Just as much as we like to tell women that we can not read their minds when something is bothering them, we must also, in turn, communicate open and honestly with them so they understand where we are in the dating process. I’m not sure why men are so afraid at times to tell a woman upfront that they are not looking for a relationship or something serious. Women will respect you more for being straight up with them opposed to doing something underhanded like string them along thinking something more will come out of something like a situationship. They deserve to know the truth. At least then, they can decide how they want to move forward and can’t say you weren’t being honest with them from the start. And if she decides to part ways, she is well within her right to do so - that does not mean start leading her on to get what you want only to toss her aside afterwards (that’s grimy bro).
In addition to communication about your intentions, also be willing to let her know if life happens and if it will affect how you act, speak, and/or communicate (or not communicate) with her. Nobody said if you were going through something that you had to act like everything was okay. But neither did anyone say if something happens, that it’s justified for you to ghost her without a word. Speaking up about these things shows her that you are respectful, do not want her to change her views about you, still want to continue building something with her and that you don’t want the progress that y’all have made go to waste because something out of your control happened. It speaks positively about your character and your intentions when you can do this. All it takes is a simple text or call to make sure she’s aware my guy.
Know How to Act and When
By this, I mean being able to read her, and/or a situation, and act accordingly. In other words, knowing when it’s a good time to joke, and when to be serious; when it’s alright to flirt and when you need to act right; when she needs you to listen and when she wants your input; when it’s okay for you to give constructive criticism and when it’s time to let some things go; when it’s time to be upfront with her and when it’s time to talk to her in a gentle manner.
The truth is these situations are usually not the same for all women. That’s why it’s important to study and learn the woman you are pursuing, and understand her. You will pick up on the type of person she is, and when to do one thing opposed to the other in different scenarios. It may seem like a lot but as you get to know her, these things become second nature to you; it will just take time and effort to get to that point. Many men make the mistake of applying something that worked with one woman to the rest of them, and wonder why there’s a disconnect in the bond they are trying to form. Each woman is unique and should be treated as such.
Validate Her Feelings and Be Receptive
Look, even if you may not agree with her on every subject (which is very likely as you are two different people), you should at least show and let her know that her standpoint is heard and validated. We all have opinions, and just because someone may not share our own, doesn’t make it any less important. Women appreciate when you listen to their view on matters (not just hear), rather than just flat out telling them they’re wrong. That is not a constructive conversation and will probably deter her from talking about different topics with you because it makes you seem close-minded. You like when people listen to you, agree with your stance and follow-up on it, right? The same applies to her (and really anyone else.
Not only that, but you should learn to practice empathy. It’s the same concept - just because you may not feel as deeply, or passionately, about something as she does, doesn’t mean it’s any less important. Listen and look at things from her viewpoint - not just your own - to better understand where she is coming from and why she feels the way she does. Now, I am not saying you can’t disagree with her (that’s just unrealistic); all I am saying is don’t shut down any and all things she has to say just because your views don’t match.
Learn and Understand Her Love Languages
This probably needs it’s own post because the number of times this topic arises tells me that y’all are still getting this wrong my good men. I have continued to hamper on the point that each woman is unique in her own way, and that whatever worked in the past may not work with others. That means you need to take the time to understand her for who she is; that way, you can speak to the things she likes. Mind you, like I said above, I did not say change yourself to match what she wants. I am simply saying learn to speak her love languages.
If her language is quality time, getting her gifts may not make her as happy as you’d like. If her language is words of affirmation, giving her a foot rub may not make her as grateful as you’d expect. I don’t even see the problem with just asking her directly what her love languages are either, and what that looks like for her. That shows her that you are trying to make the effort to make her happy and do things she will appreciate. You could save yourself a lot of time, money and stress, while still making a huge impact and sending a strong message about yourself, by making this shift in your pursuit (and earn some brownie points along the way).
CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY
If you have been texting or calling her each day to tell her good morning and suddenly stop, she’s gonna wonder what’s going on. If you have been taking her on dates and suddenly stop planning them, she’s gonna think something has changed. If you have been treating her to the occasional gift and suddenly stop, she’s gonna consider the thought that you aren’t as interested. The key idea here is consistency. It sends a negative message when it looks like you are not putting in the same effort as you were from day 1 (especially with no explanation).
Women want to see you do things to let her know you’re thinking about her, to show you pay attention to the things she says, and that she is a priority in your life. So the energy you were giving when you initially pursued her should carry on throughout the dating phase, the relationship and beyond. Even if the ideas I listed above aren’t the things you are doing, think about what you are doing to stand out to her and if that is something you have been consistent with. If you find yourself slacking, trust and believe she has already taken note of that well before you have. She may not even say anything but just know, she is acting accordingly. If you want her, don’t take your foot off the gas - keep up the pursuit and show her why she should choose you.
I want you guys to understand my purpose here is to enlighten you in the areas you may be lacking on your dating journey. The unfortunate aspect of this quest for love is that you won’t always get an exit interview with women if things don’t pan out the way you want, and/or what you could do to improve yourself moving forward. That’s why it’s important to take some time to reflect on where you may have fallen short and what you will do better in the future to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
And above all, make sure you are ready to pursue and commit to a woman if you are actively dating. The last thing you want to do is put in all this work only to renege on the idea of it all, and cut things off with her. Then, you’re adding to the negative stereotype we men unfortunately have attached to our names. And I’m not saying fall into the pressure of dating someone or making a commitment when you know it’s not what you want. Just make sure this is a journey you are ready to take seriously before you put yourself out there. Nothing worthwhile comes from the things we half-ass - plain and simple.
And ladies, don’t cheer too loud because you’re up next to get dragged. Coming Next Month)
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