Dating Nowadays: Step It Up King (Part 3)

Fellas, fellas, fellas. I know it’s “ladies first” but you knew I had to start with you. Let me just preface and say that the areas of improvement I list below are not meant to be taken as shots at you - unless the shoe fits. This is meant to give a transparent view at what within you needs to change through constructive criticism - and when I say constructive criticism, I mean you should be reading this with the intention to take an honest look at yourself and determine what areas you need to improve. If you read through this list and begin to get defensive, start calling out the shortcomings of women, and/or try to justify the actions below, then you are missing the entire point of this post. As men, we are called to lead in numerous arenas, and be an example to others. But how can we do that if we ourselves aren’t the best version of ourselves, nor do we make the effort to correct our own faults?

Now, if you made it past that first paragraph, you’ve already shown that you have a willingness to learn, a desire to rectify the mistakes you’ve made in the past, and aspire to be in a position where you could build a future with the woman you can one day call your wife. The list below comes from a survey of women from different backgrounds who pointed out the challenges they endure when it comes to dating men. So guys, if you don’t fall into one of these buckets, then you’re potentially on the right path, and are maybe just dating the wrong women. But if you do, this may shed some light on why you’re not getting a response to your texts even though she’s posting on Instagram; having your phone calls go to voicemail because she’s out on dates with other people; and/or receiving the, “sorry I was busy” messages after 2 months.

Full transparency - the list was actually longer than this but in order to avoid this piece going on forever, I went with the top 7. Shall we get started?

They Don’t Date What They Can Handle

Bro, if you saw that she was living a lavish lifestyle before you started dating her, don’t be surprised when she’s asking you to take her out to Fogo de Chao or Ruth’s Chris. She shouldn’t have to lower her standards or suppress her desires because she doesn’t fit your budget. This is one of the top issues women have with men because many of them will complain about how much they’re spending on her when that is what she is used to (and fyi, some of them can already afford that lifestyle for themselves). That is why you should take the time to observe her and see how she moves before jumping to the idea of asking her out. Check her social media and watch how she acts in person - see if she’s getting flown out, buying Birkin bags for herself, or buying tables for her and her friends when she goes out. A little bit of research can go a long way and save the both of you a lot of trouble. Overall, you can’t expect her to change anything about her life just to make things easier for you.

They Have Trouble Opening Up Emotionally

The “macho man” mentality has unfortunately been a thing since before my time, and it’s crazy to me that it still prevails to this day. There are a great deal of men that lack the ability to share their emotions and be vulnerable with a woman. They feel like they have to put up this facade that they can’t feel emotion, and that nothing fazes them. But in reality, this causes more pain to the guy than he realizes. All that stored up emotion can manifest in many ways that can become harmful to you. Not only that, but you close out a part of yourself from the woman you’re pursuing, and that in itself could be detrimental for the bond you are forming. You may have been used to a life where emotion “wasn’t necessary” but it can have a negative impact on how close you can actually become with the woman you’re dating because she will feel like she’s not getting the open, honest and fully transparent version of you.

They Don’t Have Clear Communication and Intentions

Listen - we are too old to be beating around the bush. Women appreciate and respect a man more when he knows what he wants. But the problem nowadays is that some men don’t articulate their intentions when dating someone. And to make it very clear (for the men that may be acting oblivious to what I mean), I mean that you let her know upfront what you are looking for - a friends with benefits (FWB) situation (hopefully this isn’t the case if you’re looking for something long-term, meaningful, and serious); a legit relationship with the hope of marriage in the future; a trial run (just testing the waters); or something else entirely. When you aren’t clear and transparent with what you want, it leaves room for misinterpretation, which can cause serious problems down the line.

But it’s not just about what you desire; it’s also what may be going on with you in life. I’ve heard many cases of guys who will suddenly flake on dates, stop being responsive, and/or just change their overall disposition towards a woman altogether. Then they expect the woman to just understand when they pop back up, or return to normal. I’m not saying it may not have been for a good reason (a loss in the family, personal challenges, financial issues, workload increasing, etc.) but if you never communicated that to them, how can you expect them to understand? It’s going to create long-term problems, and there’s a strong possibility that she may move on in the meantime.

They Don’t Know When and How to Act

You have to know when it’s okay to flirt, when to be chill, when to get real, when to tease, and so on. It’s not every time be serious - learn to joke around from time to time. On the other hand, everything in life is not a joke - learn when a situation calls for you to stop playing around. I know some guys may be saying, “See - this is that craziness I’m talking about!” But I mean, think about it - at your job, you know when to work hard and play hard; in church, you know when it’s okay to talk and when it’s time to be silent; when listening to a speaker, you know when to clap, and when to sit down and listen. The point is that these were things we had to learn. When learning about someone, when you understand that this person may not operate in the same way you do in all situations, it’s on you to learn what will create a nice vibe, and what will ruin her mood. For example, some women like when you joke around when they’re upset to take their mind off of things; some prefer to talk it out to reach a solution; and others just want you to buy them something to get over it. But bear in mind, it’s never the same for all women.

They Don’t Validate Her Feelings

Like most people, women need a safe space to be comfortable enough to open up to you. If you don’t create that environment for her, how can you expect her to eventually be able to share personal information with you (e.g., her past; what she’s looking for in a man; challenges she’s trying to overcome)? If they don’t feel comfortable divulging that information, they won’t. You have no idea what they may have endured to get to where they are, and it may be a huge factor in why they are who they are today. I’m not saying all women have had a tough past, or are going through something; I am saying that if you are hoping to build a relationship, then developing that empathy, honesty and trust from the start is crucial. But it may take time. Again, IT MAY TAKE TIME. Frustrating yourself because she is not opening up in the timeframe and speed at which you’d like will only cause her to put up her defenses.

They Don’t Understand Her Love Languages

If you don’t understand her love languages, a lot of work and actions you take could be in vain (and it won’t even be her fault). You could get annoyed with doing so much of x, y and z and not getting the reaction you’re looking for when she’s actually looking for a, b and c. This is, again, why it is crucial to take the time to truly understand what makes her tick - what she likes, what she dislikes, what she gets excited about, what makes her day, what music she enjoys, etc. Trust me, you can save yourself a lot of stress by just asking some simple questions and actually paying attention. Women want to see that you listen to them (and not just hear them), are receptive to their desires, and are making deliberate efforts to do things that make them happy. Also, I am not saying use her tastes to determine the kind of guy you should become - be yourself. Instead, use it as a guide to determine if you can provide her with what she needs, and if you would be a good match in the first place.

They Lack Consistency

If your job paid you one pay period and then didn’t pay you the next because they didn’t feel like it, or wanted to prioritize other people, you would feel some type of way. So how do you think women feel when one day you’re giving them so much of your time and energy, and the next you’re not even responding? Women appreciate men who show real effort and are consistent in their actions. And I think sometimes, as men, we overthink real effort. It could be as simple as consistently telling her good morning or good night; calling her when it’s an important event like her birthday or graduation; and/or asking her out and having a date planned. Remember, the pursuit doesn’t stop after she gives you her number. And if you’re not trying to do “all that”, then maybe you’re not looking for, or are not ready for, that kind of commitment. But at least show her that’s the type of person you are from jump so she can set expectations. If you’re serious, be intentional; otherwise, don’t be surprised if her schedule gets filled with other men who are.

Whew! I know that may have been a tough list to read through but it was all necessary feedback that needed to be brought to light. You should read this list with the intention to act on these for your own growth. I do not believe the status quo that, “there are no more good men” but I do believe we could use more examples of the good ones. Guys, I understand that it may be difficult to acknowledge the areas that we fall short, or even entertain the idea that we may not be living up to the expectations set on us, but no one said making a change for the better was supposed to be easy. The goal here is not to make you perfect (because none of us are); it’s to help you become the best version of yourself for you and your future queen. And trust me - being a man with intentions and direction in your life will attract the right type of women.

So, what can you do to address the areas you lack in above? Well, stay tuned for part 5 and I’ll show you how.

Now that I’ve exposed the men, ladies, it’s your turn. (Part 4 Soon Come)