Dating Nowadays: It's Time to Up Your Game Queens (Part 6)

And now ladies, you’re up! We are here to answer the question, “How can you address the areas you’ve fallen short when it comes to dating men?” Again, if you haven’t read the previous posts of this series, please go read them first before continuing. Otherwise, let’s hop right in.

Let The Man Make His Case

Miss. You can not force expectations on this new man you are dating based on what guys have done for you in the past. There is a difference between having standards of what you would like in a guy, and acting like the current man isn’t good enough because he isn’t doing everything the last guy(s) did. Besides the obvious fact that you are no longer with that guy, you need to understand that this is a completely different person. I see so many women cut things with guys for flimsy reasons like this and then wonder why they aren’t having much luck in the dating arena. Wouldn’t it be unfair for him to start dating you and then become upset or discouraged because you aren’t doing the things a woman in his past would do? Wouldn’t you feel some type of way if you felt like you were bringing so much to the table only to have him say something like, “Dang, you’re nice and all, but you’re just not as good as (fill in the blank)”? Focus your attention on what tangible things he is bringing to the table that will add value to your life and let those be the factors to determine if you will continue dating him.

Improve Your Communication Methods

These are challenges many men have voiced and the solution - be more vocal. He will only know something is bothering you if you speak on it. He will only know there is something in particular you would like if you talk about it. He will only know what does and does not irritate, annoy, bug, vex, bother - and all the above - you if you express it. He can not and will never be able to read your mind. That means if you choose not to vocalize things about you that may be a turn-off, rub you the wrong way, etc., then you can’t hold it against him if he inadvertently does that. As much as you may want him to develop a supernatural ability to know when something is up, it ain’t happening sis.

In addition, if y’all have a disagreement, don’t opt to hit below the belt, speak out of pure emotion, automatically disregard everything he says, and/or take any action that prevents y’all from constructively addressing the matter. If you are having trouble discussing something because it’s a touchy subject, you are very passionate about it, feel like you aren’t being heard, or even because you have trouble with someone disagreeing with you, then maybe try revisiting the conversation at a later time; communicate the challenge you are facing; take a pause and breathe before continuing; or any other method that would help you take a step back from things before resuming the discussion. It can help a great deal with ensuring you get your point across, and could even show him ways to better handle the situation.

Build Up Your Self-Esteem

Take the time to focus and work on yourself. I’ve seen countless scenarios where women will try to start dating someone or start a relationship with numerous unresolved issues. As a result, they carry a great deal of baggage that will create significant challenges for them when trying to form a connection. One of these unaddressed challenges is low self-esteem. This manifests itself in a lot of different ways including the inability to build trust with someone, negative thoughts when things are actually going really well and/or the feeling that you are not deserving of being happy. These aspects of low self-esteem are usually exhibited to men through anger, frustration, questioning his commitment and intentions, and many other ways; and most times, you do so unconsciously. He doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment and chances are, you are slowly pushing him away.

Frankly, I don’t think anyone would want to deal with additional stress from the person they are looking to start a future with, and the only way to avoid that is to address your personal issues before starting on that journey. If you want to be able to give someone a fair chance without any preconceived notions and understanding that someone can like you for who you are, you need to ensure you have a solid foundation of self-esteem. Practice affirmations to yourself, compliment yourself, give yourself credit when you accomplish something - the idea is adopting actions that will help solidify the confidence you have in yourself and help you view yourself in a more positive light.

Gain a Sense of Humor

Now, I’m not saying that you need to be an Adele Givens or Yvonne Orji. I am saying develop a sense of humor so that you don’t take everything so seriously and learn to lighten up. If a man is walking on ice when it comes to joking with you, or feels like he has to tip-toe around topics he is poking fun at, then he isn’t being his true, genuine self. And if he can’t do that, that just adds reason to why he wouldn’t want to continue pursuing you. We all want someone that we can be 100% ourselves with, and not have to worry about certain things painting us in a bad light. So take some time to think about those moments when he says something and you suddenly get annoyed or upset.

Making the effort to determine what you have trouble joking with can go a long way in addressing unresolved issues, and/or talking through matters that bother you. Maybe the reason stems from insecurities, childhood trauma, and/or a past relationship (or situationship). You won’t know until you actually try to figure it out. And he won’t know why you react to certain things if you don’t tell him. I will continue to hamper on this - communication is the key. Help him understand why certain things aren’t something you joke about and if it is truly something that won’t change (or if you’re choosing not to address it). If they’re changing the way they act around you just to please you, they’re changing who they are, and that’s not right.

Let Go of Past Hurt

I understand you have been mistreated in the past. I get that you have been misled by others. I recognize that you haven’t had the best luck with men. But girl, if you are holding on to all that baggage, you are going to weigh down any person you decide to start dating. You may have gotten by with brushing things aside and keeping things bottled up, but the fact that you’re reading this post tells me that it’s still resulted in you staying single (and maybe, just maybe, this is a reason why). You may not think so but guys are actually pretty smart. They can tell when you have unresolved issues that you are carrying with you and to them, that is usually a sign that you may not be someone to take seriously. Why? Because if people have a choice, they typically don’t want to deal with those kinds of issues with someone they are dating.

If you have internal work you need to do, then address them before jumping into the dating world. As much as you want to blame the guys in your past, that won’t help you move forward with your life, nor will it get you any closer to attracting the right guy. Be scrupulous in who you allow into your life and let them show you by their actions that they are nothing like your past. But if you aren’t willing to start dating this man with a clean slate and no prior experiences holding you back, you’re going to end up with a lot of wasted time. And just know, a man won’t wait forever. That doesn’t mean allow him to bypass your walls without putting in effort, but don’t make getting closer to you an impossible height to scale.

Understand What Space Means

Everyone needs their me-time, and guys aren’t any different. He wants his time to enjoy his hobbies, spend time with his friends, speak with his family, and overall just enjoy his life. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to spend time with you; rather, he just wants time to himself to focus on other things. Personal time is important! So if a situation arises where you are giving him ultimatums to hang out with you, or you’re guilting him into spending time with you, those actions may lead to him either resenting you, or distancing himself from you. I mean think about it - do you really want a guy to be around you because you’re making him?

Now, granted, if he isn’t making the time and effort to spend with you, that is a completely different topic. But at the end of the day, he had a life beforehand and that life doesn’t just stop because you entered the picture. You want him to give that time to you because it’s something he wants to do. That way, it brings him genuine joy. Allow him the space and opportunity to pursue you, and show you that dedicating your time to him will be worthwhile. I get it - you enjoy your time with him and want more, and I’m sure he does, too. But don’t be too needy and/or clingy; it can become a turn off.

Stop Putting Your Business Out There

Women are usually notorious for gossip. As enjoyable as it may be for you to gist with your friends and spill some juicy tea with them, that may not always come off in the most positive way to a guy. I’m a firm believer that you don’t need to tell all of your business to other people. But if you’re the type of person to do that, then that can be something that a guy may see as a turn off. Guys typically don’t want the girl that’s going to tell all her business to the world because those end up being the people that either share their business on social media - especially when there’s a problem - and/or are getting advice from other parties when there is a disagreement between the two of you.

Conflict resolution works best when the parties involved are the only people addressing it (unless this is a matter that requires professional help). Men don’t want to listen to what your girlfriends think about your disagreement. They also don’t want all yall’s business out there. Little do you know that when you’re putting your trouble out there, you’re presenting enemies of progress with an opportunity to sabotage the good thing you have going. Learn to not put your whole life on display for the world to see, including subbing him on social media, telling mutual friends to get them on your side, and/or involving the other person’s family. It ain’t cute and it ain’t it. And it won’t get you another date. Or any closer to a relationship.

The goal here is to focus less on what men could do better and focus your attention on what tangible things you are bringing to the table that he can see will add value to his life. Think - “why should he be giving me his time, and spending his energy, efforts and money on me?” I don’t wanna hear all of this, “I’m the prize,” or, “I’m the table,” or, “I’m the one he’s pursuing; so he should be the one trying to impress me.” Wrong answers. None of that hoorah has gotten you any closer to a long-lasting relationship, sis. He could be pursuing anyone else; so why should that be you? That should be the question you ponder and determine for yourself, and then make sure it comes across when dating him.

Chances are you will need to figure out aspects a lot deeper and tangible than being in school to pursue a higher degree, making a certain amount of money, and/or being someone he can show off to his friends. I’m not saying that those aren’t great accomplishments or aspects to have, but there are plenty of women out there doing just that and for most men, those aren’t the things at the top of their list. Ladies, I feel like as difficult a time as you’ve had dating, better luck in this arena is within your reach. You just have to take the light off of the men for a bit and focus on yourself, and figure out where you can make adjustments - even if it isn’t the areas above - before putting yourself back out there. You’d be surprised how much success you have.