How Tight a Grip Does Society Have on You?

“That’s the norm.” “Everybody’s doing it.” “You’re so… different.” These statements may sound familiar to those who have encountered situations where who they are or the way they live their life was not what others would deem as “normal.” For example, some people will comment when a person doesn’t drown their fries in ketchup but dabs it on each fry instead, and vice versa. That’s how society works- anything outside of what people are used to, or believe is the “right” way of doing things, is considered abnormal.

What does society do to “correct” this? It instigates and maintains an environment of conformity where people are influenced by those that have established an overall way of life, or societal norms. As a result, they make people feel as if they are “outsiders” if they don’t follow suit. This causes people to feel left out, and in time, coerces them to change to “fit in.” But at what point do you draw the line? How do you know who you are and what society wants you to be? Who are you fam? Okay, I’m being dramatic (lol) but my point is if you conform enough, you may lose who you are as a person. He who stands for nothing, falls for anything; and I’m here to tell you to stand up for yourself.

Now, not every kind of conformity is bad. There are ideas we follow to help keep things as civilized and well-ordered as possible. These examples include: covering your mouth when coughing or sneezing (we don’t know what you have…); shaking hands when you meet someone (put some respeck on it); not eating off of another person’s plate without their permission (that goes for baes too); and not sitting right next to a person when there are a multitude of open seats (bruh, the stories I could tell…).

The sort of conformity I am referring to are the more pressured “norms” society pushes that aren’t imperative for maintaining a positive livelihood, such as: not wearing white after Labor Day (if you want to don that all-white, gawdly fit, then do you boo); following the traditional path of 4 years of high school, college, and so on (not everyone follows the same pace); a guy being the only person to express interest (girl, if you see someone you like, ain’t nothing wrong with looking his way and batting a couple of eyelashes- matter of fact, who says you can’t approach him); and for my Africans, having to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer (*triggered*).

To start tackling this issue, I think a good place to begin would be a foundational question:
Why do people feel like they have to change in the first place?

People thrive on the sense of belonging, and being likened by others; but there’s more to it. They are also influenced by friends, family, the workplace, school, and social media. You are constantly surrounded by these things, so it’s not surprising that you find yourself adapting to their ways. Look back to your younger years, and think about how hard it may have been to choose an answer to the teacher’s question that wasn’t the same as your peers. It can be a scary feeling.

If you want to pinpoint why you conformed in some way in the past, you have to think about what in that moment pushed you to make that choice. Was it fear? Was it a self-esteem issue? Did you not want to be the odd man (or woman) out? Conformity becomes especially problematic if you get to a point where you’re not sure if you are who you think you are, or if you are what society has influenced you to be. That is not a good space to be in, and can be extremely detrimental moving forward.

So why are societal norms upheld?

I mean, if everyone else is doing it, it has to be right… right? Well as your mama would say, “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you jump, too?” (Why did I hear my mom saying that as I wrote it? Lol) Society tries to ingrain that into most aspects of our lives and we don’t even notice it. How many times have you seen someone crossing the street at a red light, and you started crossing as well? We become so accustomed to the way things are, that we don’t realize there’s an issue. And even when we realize that there is, we tend to believe that we may be in too deep and can’t turn back. You already crossed halfway into the street and now you gotta run to the other side because there are ruthless taxis speeding your way. You played yourself.

Once society convinces you that the changes you make are acceptable, conformity sets in, and it can begin to affect other aspects of your life. I know people who have been talked down to because they went to community college, and began feeling like they weren’t good enough. I have female friends who were told they had to look a certain way because of what’s praised on social media, and they started to hate themselves. The list goes on. The point here is that if we don’t check conformity, it can, and will, rule over our lives. And then we will no longer be living our best life, but the life society wants us to live.

Then how does one combat conformity?

I’ll answer this with 3 reasons why you shouldn’t confirm:

1) You were made to be a unique individual; no one can take that from you. During his speeches, my mentor loves saying, “Shake hands with the person to your right and to your left. Your fingerprints have just been imprinted on them, and no one will ever be able to touch them the way you have because everyone’s print is different.” I always interpreted that as how we are all unique and can never be replicated. That means there will only be one you. Don’t pass that opportunity up.

2) How can you expect to grow when you can’t even stand up for yourself? If you’re consistently succumbing to society’s ways and views, then you are no longer the one leading your life. Growing as a person means taking chances, making decisions for yourself (and sometimes making the wrong ones), and going out on a limb to do what you think is right. Our experiences are some of our greatest teachers and we can’t learn from them if we’re following what everyone else is doing. Just my two cents.

3) Society would kind of suck tbh. Imagine a world where everyone thinks the same and doesn’t really do their own thing. Unless you are just that conceited, why would you want to wake up every morning and see, work or interact with a bunch of you’s? The world thrives because it has a diversity of people, opinions, ways of life, and more. Let’s keep that same energy. Why should you have to change to satisfy society and its people? And who says society’s ways are right in the first place?

For those who still aren’t satisfied, you can fight conformity in society by just being yourself and not allowing things like groupthink, news outlets, popular opinions and other societal influences to tell you how to your live life. Plain and simple.

I understand that it’s hard to live in a world where being who you are can sometimes make you feel like you’re separated from others. I’ve been there, and still am because I refuse to allow society to dictate who I am; and neither should you. You have to put yourself first and determine if giving in to the pressures around you will 1) do more good than harm and 2) outweigh potentially losing who you are as a person. Be yourself, because no one else can do that better. If you aren’t going to be you, who will?