The timing of this post couldn’t have been any more convenient. For those who may not know, God works in mysterious ways, and personally, he will never cease to amaze me. The purpose behind this post is to help those who listened to the advice I gave in my last post, or even those who are going through something similar in general, to figure out the big question - what’s next? The reason this is such a coincidence is because I too am going through, and have endured, something similar. So if anything, I hope that adds credibility to what I will share with you all. Going through a breakup of any kind is rough- period. You’re letting go of someone very precious to you, and unfortunately for some, you are being separated from their lives completely. But the good news is that there is hope, as hard as that may be to believe. You can get better. However, just as I’ve stated in previous posts, it has to be something you want for yourself.
So I want to offer some advice for those who may be going through a breakup, have gone through a breakup, or may potentially be dealing with it in the near future. Try to read past the lines of this post and think of how it can apply to different aspects of your life because the scope of what I have to say is much larger than it may seem.
THE HEARTBREAKER
Don’t backtrack by returning to them. Don’t sugarcoat things by giving false hope in the case they try to sway your decision and/or start saying things afterward to make you pity them. Going back to them, or reopening old wounds, only prolongs the inevitable, and will lengthen the timetable of healing. Usher said, “Let it burn” - and that’s just what he did - and I couldn’t think of a better scenario to do so. The pain will pass in time.
Make it clear why you are doing what you are doing. Don’t leave any room for misconception. The last thing you want is for them to walk away thinking the complete opposite of why you ended things, or to recreate why you did it to make you look like more of a bad person. If there are things they need to work
on, think of it as you helping them in the long run so they aren’t making the same mistakes in the future. If you walk away without them understanding why, not only do you hurt your own image in their minds, but you make it harder for the next person to make progress with them. It’s like an oxymoron because you’re being selfish and selfless at the same time.
Understand that 9 times out of 10, there will be backlash. That could mean the person cuts you off, insults you, or they may just get angry and start trying to do or say things just to hurt you, or your reputation. It happens. And these are just a few cases. Regardless of their following actions, you kind of have to deal with it– to an extent. Remember, you’re the one breaking their heart. It’s very rare that someone is just okay with this, even if they understand your reasoning. So bear with them, and prepare for the worst. The more severe the aftermath is just gives light to how much they cared about you. Hopefully, you have solid reasoning for doing this.
THE HEARTBREAKEE
Don’t dwell too much on hating the other person. Try to understand where they are coming from and why they would do this. If they said they cared about you, then obviously this wasn’t an easy decision to make. There has to be legitimate reasoning, and that’s what you should seek. Focusing too much on your resent towards them won’t help you at all, and will only prolong your healing process. In the meantime, why treat yourself? Find the things that make
you happy to help alleviate some of the pain. But be careful not to wallow in these distractions. They should be used temporarily. I personally believe that you should forget the distractions altogether and prioritize finding ways to address the break up to work through it. However, everyone is different and not everyone handles a given situation the same way. But I repeat, don’t wallow in these distractions for too long. Eventually, you have to face facts.
Everything happens for a reason. I know you probably want to hit me for saying this at times, overused statement. But the reason it’s overused is because it’s true. It just hurts to hear now because this is a painful experience and you want answers that I unfortunately can’t give you. Instead, try seeing this as a good thing. Think about it: If this person wasn’t happy enough, or satisfied enough with this relationship that it brought them to want to end things, would you rather have preferred being with them and having them, essentially, fake their feelings just to make you “happy”? Wouldn’t you want genuine feelings from a person who is genuinely in love with you? I know I would.
Forgive. I’m currently reading a Bible plan that said something that really resonated with me: “When we refuse to forgive someone, we still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that we want, it keeps
us tied to that person forever.” I mention this quote for 2 reasons. 1) If you do not let go of this pain and what the other person did, you will never find true happiness with anyone else. 2) As long as you are holding onto this grudge against this other person, you will never be set free. The point is that forgiveness is necessary if you want to move forward. If you still don’t get what I mean, read my post on forgiveness here.
TO BOTH INDIVIDUALS
Take the time to learn about yourself. By this I mean take time on your
Learn to be single. I’m sure most of us have gone through a phase where we believed we needed someone to be happy. Trust me, I have. Being single doesn’t mean having to be in another relationship once your current one ends. Being single doesn’t mean finding temporary satisfaction with other people (because physical encounters can sometimes cloud our judgement). To be single means being an individual that can depend on themselves without the need or support of someone else, and who decides to be with someone not out of desperation or demand, but out of genuine love and desire.
Give yourself time to heal. This point adds to the previous two bullets in taking time to get yourself together, and move past this. That can only be done when you have removed yourself from the situation and are genuinely trying to get over it. Not with your now ex, not with a rebound, but by yourself. This is where your friends and family come in - to be a support system around you in difficult times. Lean on them, and of course, lean on God. They will get you through this.
Talk, if you need to, when the time is right. Having closure is always a great way to move forward, but it doesn’t always come so easily. It will take a while to reach this point of being able to talk when both parties want to. However, make sure this is the time once both of you have healed and are not holding anything over the other person. Also, it should be done out of care, and not to either seduce the other person into taking you back, or make them feel bad for their decision. Who knows, maybe you could even be friends.
Trust and believe you will find someone, or someone will find you. One of my best friends once told me, “Sometimes you find a person that you believe is the missing piece of the puzzle. But, the pictures don’t match up.” To clarify this
, sometimes we think a person is the one because they check off all of our boxes, but there may still be a chance they are not. Maybe there are things about them that you overlooked but in reality, were warning flags. Maybe there was an event, or events, where God revealed to you whether this was the person meant for you or not, and you wanted it be wrong; so much, that you decided to ignore it. And that’s perfectly understandable. You’ve put so much into this person that it makes it hard to just let them go. But you have to have faith in the fact that you have something even better on the horizon. But you’ll only get there if you trust in that fact.
And most importantly, you have to let go. Letting go may not necessarily mean cutting them off or ridding them from your life, but it does mean casting away the burden that is upon you. As simple as letting go sounds, it is something we all struggle with. The reason being is that we misconstrue the difference between setting aside or burying something, and actually letting go of it. When you can do the latter half, you can free yourself from the hold that the breakup has on you.
Now, even though this post has been centered around relationships, I want to make note that this extends to “situationships” and even friendships. A situationship is a situation between two people that has not necessarily been defined. Think of it as a friends with benefits scenario. It is a shaky space to be in because there are no clear boundaries or tags of what the two of you are. In addition to the points I’ve made, I hope this post helps everyone realize you should take your time with decisions that can impact the rest of your life. Of course this is something to do before a serious commitment like marriage, but if it also means thinking about even starting a relationship, so be it. Save yourself potential heartbreak in the future. If you can do that, you can set yourself up for a much better relationship with a more positive outcome. If you want to be happy in the long run, you have to be prepared to get back up and try again, no matter how hard it may be to go down this road again. Remember, the best things in life come at a price. Are you willing to pay?
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