What would a friendship be without a little bit of conflict? You two may have similar interests, characteristics, and personalities, but you’re still two completely different people. So it goes without saying that you two may not always see eye to eye, and that’s normal. For that reason, it’s important to understand how to resolve conflict in a healthy way and to know when someone crosses the line. You can always get past conflict - but how do you move forward and how do you know when someone has gone too far?
So, let’s start with the different levels of mistakes a friend can make. I like to categorize them as follows:
Level 1 - Slip-Up (whoops)
You forgot to return their call
You brought them the wrong food order
You didn’t provide them with information they requested
Level 2 - Mistake (my bad fam)
You forgot their birthday
You forgot to show up for an event you committed to
You said something that hurt their feelings but didn’t know you did
Level 3 - Blunder (dang, that’s braaaazy)
You did them wrong and keep repeating it
You have made it a one-sided friendship (you’re receiving 110% but giving less than 50%)
You said something that hurt their feelings and are still defending your actions despite how it made them feel
Level 4 - Grave Error (you’re trippin’)
DEFCON 5 - You Crossed the Line (you know you done f’ed up right?)
You betray their trust
You hurt them intentionally
You only put them down and never uplift them
You talk negatively about them behind their back
You don’t really care about their personal well-being
If it wasn’t evident as you read the categories, the lower on the list you go, the more problematic and complicated things become. And I like to detail it out this way to really emphasize that mistakes are impossible to avoid in a friendship. but there are levels to it. In the first two categories, I believe these are usually unintentional and, therefore, shouldn’t cause a rift in the friendship. An apology here should patch things up.
However, when you take it to level 3, your friend is probably looking at you a little sideways. The distinguishing factor here is that you may have done something unintentionally that your friend felt some type of way about, but you aren’t acknowledging your wrongdoing in the situation. It will probably take more than an apology to rectify things - such as a gesture or getting them something they like - an explanation of what you did wrong (to show them you understand your fault), and assurance that you will do what you can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Now, if you reach level 4, your friendship is at risk. At this point, your friend is either treating you differently, or being distant (or both). You’re going to need to do more than just explain yourself - you need to prove to them that you aren’t a bad friend. This will be hard because your actions have said otherwise, but as a wise proverb I love goes, “trust is lost in buckets, and earned in drops” (i.e., it will take time and effort). You can shorten the timeframe by doing what you should have been doing from the beginning - being a good friend, consistently. From there, it’s up to them if they want things to go back to normal or love you from a distance. If it gets this bad, let this experience be a motivation to not let things get to this point again - with anybody.
It should go without saying that once you reach level 5, this is pretty much the point of potentially no return. I say potentially because everyone is different, and some people may be willing to let certain things go for the sake of restoring the friendship, but I would question how unhealthy and destructive a decision that person could be making. I heavily stand by Biblical practices, including forgiveness, but I also believe there is a certain level of wisdom one must exercise to ensure they are not being taken advantage of and/or being played.
But that begs the question, “what is crossing the line?” I believe it is when a person makes an intentional decision to put their desires above you and do something they know will hurt your friendship. To be capable of this, you really have to hold this “friend” in low regard. So, it should be clear that this person doesn’t care for you as much as you thought, and given the right situation, could throw the friendship out the window for their own selfish reason(s). Of course, the rationale (why they did it), the circumstance (they came forward about it vs they got caught), and your own intuition are factors to consider but to me, once a line is crossed, it is very difficult to think they wouldn’t do it again if the situation fit their need. That’s just me though.
One thing I really want to clarify is that God calls us to forgive all people. None of us are ever in a position to feel we are so above sin that there are people and certain actions we cannot forgive; God forgives each and every one of us every single day for the things we do wrong. However, the point I am establishing here is that not everyone is your friend, and not everyone is going to be willing to give what you do in a friendship. Therefore, you have to take measures to protect yourself, your sanity, and your overall happiness. And of course, if we ask for it, God can provide discernment on who we should keep in our lives, and who needs to be removed.
Now, we’ve talked about what truly defines a friend, and how to handle setbacks in a friendship; so, in the final part of this series, I want to focus on how to nurture a friendship and help it grow. This is a crucial topic to discuss to ensure you are doing what’s necessary to maintain the friendships you’ve built, and help them last a lifetime. Tune in next time for part 3!
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