Dating Nowadays: Step It Up Queen (Part 4)

Ladies — the time has come. You may be here already convinced that nothing on this list will be related to you and if so, I believe you are coming into this with the wrong mindset. Listen — if you have found 100 different problems with each person you’ve dated from jump, then this post is for you. If you have found that guys are not asking you out for a 2nd date after the 1st, then this post is for you. If you are wondering why guys you’re interested in keep calling you sis, then this post is for you. If you think he is taking longer than usual to respond to you even though you see him online on IG, then this post is for you.

There are many other scenarios I could mention, but the idea here is that given the guy traditionally is the one pursuing the girl, and he isn’t chasing after you, then something might be amiss. You shouldn’t automatically default to the issue being on his side — granted, there can be cases where it really isn’t you but the guy — because no one is perfect. However, there may be a chance that you are contributing to why things aren’t panning out the way you wanted. But to do that, you have to put the mentality of “the woman is always right” aside for a second and really look at things objectively. Only then will you see it differently.

Below, I have listed the top 7 areas that men believe women can work on when it comes to dating. But ladies, like I told the guys, if you don’t read this with an open mind, become defensive and/or won’t acknowledge where you’re at fault, then hopefully you’ll understand why he doesn’t ask you when next you’re free; doesn’t seek something long-term with you; asks to split the bill with you; and/or hits you with the, “dang, my bad — that line at Costco was crazy” text after you were double texting him with no response for 3 weeks. Shall we begin?

Setting Expectations Based On Your Past

First and foremost, let’s address the obvious. This new man that you are getting to know is just that – a new man. He is not your ex, the past guys you’ve dated, or any other guy from your past and therefore, he should be treated as such. That means that the way he decides to date you will most likely be different from your past experiences. You won’t be able to give the man a fair chance if you don’t go into your date with an open mind of how he may court you. That means comparing is a no no; looking for any small thing to write him off is a no no; and expecting him to be something he may not be is, you guessed it, a no no. Don’t end up falling into the group of women hiding behind the “I just haven’t found the right guy yet” excuse when they’re really letting their past dictate their future. Sure, he may not be perfect, but neither are you sis. And I didn’t say you have to settle ooo — I’m saying give him a fair chance.

Lack of Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution One of the main challenges I’ve gathered that men face in the realm of communication deals more with the response from women when a man is talking with them. Some examples include having an attitude when there is a disagreement, giving nonverbals when he is speaking (i.e., rolling your eyes, sucking your teeth, heavy breathing – lets just call it sass in general), cutting him off when he hasn’t finished speaking, jumping to conclusions of what you think he is trying to say, assuming you know all the facts when he hasn’t fully explained it, and so on. None of the above contributes to a productive conversation — if anything, they can make things worse.

On the other end, there are the problems that stem from not admitting when you’re wrong, being unable to take constructive criticism, not speaking up when something is bothering you (that may result in you acting a certain way towards him without even realizing it), and more. Just as you would expect a man to be respectful when you want to express yourself in a conversation, you should show him that same energy. If you aren’t willing to do that, you’re in for many back and forth bouts that will amount to nothing, and you will be unable to solidify the foundation of a relationship that can withstand any disagreement or argument that can and will happen.

Low Self-Esteem When a man is dating a woman who isn’t as secure in herself, it could potentially give rise to challenges when trying to build a connection. For example, on numerous occasions, I have heard women tell guys they will have a difficult time finding a woman who will want to be with them simply because they have many female friends. I believe statements like that typically stem from a place where women may not be the most secure in themselves. This could spill over into the connection you all are building because it can manifest itself in many ways that can make you feel like the guy is not as interested in you, or is looking for something “better”. For some men, something like this can become frustrating if they feel like they have tried everything to convince you otherwise. A man can only do but so much to reassure you. Eventually, you will need to be secure enough to trust that he’s pursuing you because you are what he wants.

Sense of Humor I’m sure you would like to be able to poke fun at him when you want a good laugh — so why shouldn’t he? Men shouldn’t feel like they are walking on eggshells when they are joking around with you or when choosing the words to say to you. Just because he makes a joke about something like your outfit, a show you like, the way you laugh, etc. doesn’t mean he’s taking a jab at you or that you should take it personally. I understand there may be things that you are insecure about, and that it takes time to be okay with certain comments, but if you’re taking everything he says to heart, how can he truly have fun with you? Then, there are cases where a guy will make the same comments a woman does and she makes a huge deal out of it. Dish what you can take; and if you can’t take it, don’t say it. When you’re trying to find someone who you could see as your best friend and partner, it shouldn’t come with such heavy restrictions.

Being Unwilling to Let Go of Past Hurt Dating someone new without moving on from someone in your past, and/or not letting go of what they did to you (if they did something bad), is not the solution to your problem — it is a setup for failure. Not only is it unfair to the man, who will have an extremely strenuous time trying to get through to you, it also does not help you make peace with your past. He will be fighting an uphill battle where he may never see the top. I am not saying that you should tear down all your defenses and let just anyone in. Nor am I saying that you should make it a cakewalk for a guy to get closer to you. I am saying that there should be a balance. I get it — that guy in your past didn’t prioritize you, and/or didn’t treat you like the queen you are. But that person is (hopefully) no longer a part of your life. This is an opportunity to let someone better in, and it will be up to you to determine how things will pan out.

Space Even when you enter into a relationship or marriage, you and your partner should have your own lives. Your life should not be dependent on his, and vice versa. That means that he will still have his friends that he wants to hang out with, hobbies and activities that he would like to enjoy, and periods of time he would like to himself. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to spend time with you; it just means he wants some “me time”, and that’s very important in a healthy relationship. However, if you are pushing him to put every second of his free time into you, then the time he dedicates to you may become forced and/or unenjoyable for him. In the dating phase, the time he puts towards you will gradually increase but that needs to be something that happens on its own. You don’t want a situation where you become the one pursuing him because he may slowly lose interest and put less effort towards you.

You Share Your Business with Other People I’m all for getting an outside opinion on matters where you may not understand or agree with, but if you are going to ask someone to objectively look at a situation and help open your eyes, make sure it’s someone who will be brutally honest with you, regardless of your feelings. The worst thing you can do is go to your girlfriends – the ones who literally never see fault on your end — and ask for their input. Of course they are going to take your side — chances are you told them the version of the story that made you look like you are in the right. A situation may arise where you have a disagreement with the person you’re dating — your first response should not be to take it to your friends for their “guidance”. If your long-term intent is to hopefully start a relationship with this guy, you have to be able to resolve conflicts, disagreements and arguments with just him. Outside parties are not a guaranteed way to a reasonable solution.

I commend those of you who read this all the way through and took to heart what I have shared above. If any of the points resonated with or pertained to you in any way, take it as an opportunity to identify what areas you have shortcomings. Identifying a problem is half the battle. The difference maker will be whether you address it or not (and not with the condition that the guy addresses everything about him before you — do but for yourself).

If you went through that list and didn’t feel like any of them related to you in any kind of way, remember that this isn’t the full list. If anything, I hope it inspires you to do some self-reflection and think about areas you may need to work on. I highly encourage asking your brutally honest girlfriends and male friends for some real insight. Just like I told the fellas, if you read this and walk away saying you’re not going to work on anything, then you’re accepting whatever quality of people you attract and date. It’s your call. But no more statements like, “there aren’t good men left” because there are — but is the current you the kind of person they will pursue?

The goal overall for men and women reading this is to 1) understand that no one is perfect and therefore, 2) conclude that we all have something (or some things) to work on as we are all works in progress; so, 3) we should take the time to think through what those things may be before pointing fingers at the other side for dates that have amounted to nothing. And how do you address those areas once you realize them? Well, that’s what parts 5 and 6 are for! Check in to the next installment of the series to see my suggestions on how you can work on your challenge areas to start seeing better results in your dating life. Fellas, you’re up first!