So I understand there are some people who wholeheartedly believe that they have moved on from their situation; the same way some people believe they have apologized properly or forgiven someone. Because of that, let’s start by listing some of the indicators of whether you have actually advanced from the point you were at before you forgave or apologized to that person. Pay attention to the acronyms in parentheses to know which ones relate to which person. YF means you forgave, and YA (yahhh) means you apologized.
Avoidance (YA & YF). In regards to the person who did the apologizing, this is done because you may not forgiven yourself for what you have done - and that can take time. Just because the other person may have pardoned your wrongdoing, doesn’t mean it sits well with you. So one way you cope with it is by avoiding the person altogether. Though it may seem like a good idea to not have to face them, it is only holding you back, and is still causing you unnecessary suffering. On the other hand, the one who “forgave” someone may be avoiding them because they haven’t wholeheartedly done so. They may have spoken the words, but didn’t necessarily do it from the heart. As a result, they still have that ill will (explained below) towards that person.
Pettiness (YF). Need I say more?
Ill Will (YF). This can range from having negative thoughts about the person - consciously or subconsciously - to only having not-so-pleasant things to say about them. Either way, this may be something you internally feel and may not express externally, but you know is there. In some cases, this will affect how you treat the person, and you may not even be aware of it. Take a second to think about the person you forgave and if your disposition toward them has changed. That doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be treating them as you did before, or better than ever, but at least decent enough that you know you have truly forgiven that person and left the negativity in the past.
Shade (YF). The all too obvious way to tell when someone hasn’t truly forgiven what you’ve done- shade - takes numerous forms. These include snide comments and remarks, visible rudeness to the other person, rolling eyes, kissing teeth, and even ignoring them altogether. Regardless of the method, you and the other person know when you are being shady and why. To them, they don’t fully understand why you are treating them that way after you said you forgave them. To the person throwing shade, they may or may not realize what they are doing. Nonetheless, it’s one of the more clear indicators that conveys there is still a problem afoot.
Now, if you recognize that you may be exhibiting any of the behaviors above, I think it’s best you continue reading to the steps on how to move forward from the situation you “dealt” with. Keep in mind, not being able to move forward varies for the person who is forgiving, and the person who is apologizing. For that reason, some of the steps below may only pertain to one side, and not the other. As always, take my advice with a grain of salt, as each case may need to be treated differently, and/or require more effort on your part.
Acknowledge what’s done is done. I emphasized this in the other parts of the series -what happened, happened. We may think we have, but if you’re exhibiting the mannerisms I listed above, you clearly are not. Just take a second to think about it. What if you were alone in a room with the other person? Would this be a problem for you, or would you find yourself treating them in a way meant to hurt them?
Why do you feel some type of way? This could be a beneficial way for you to visualize what the problems may be, or what may be holding you back from moving on. Brainstorming these reasons will force you to think about both the wrongdoer and the situation, and help create understanding as to why you may still have a grudge.
What about those reasons make them hard to let go? Look at the list you have created. Which reasons jump out at you, or stick out the most? Knowing this will allow you to prioritize what needs to be addressed when. By doing this, you can begin thinking through the contributing factors to that reason, and how you can go about handling it - for your benefit, not theirs. This is no longer you just listing the reasons, but also you trying to understand why they are such a problem. Once you have done this, you are taking crucial steps toward leaving the past behind you to get on with your life.
List the benefits you get from holding on to those reasons. I’ll wait …
List the benefits you get from accepting them, and moving past the issue. I got this. Some benefits include freedom, peace of mind, positive disposition, glowing face, skin poppin’ (okay, maybe not this lol), and overall sense of serenity because you will have done yourself a favor by letting go of that baggage.
“But I gotta move oooooon.” First off, props if you remember the song this came from - or maybe not actually. If you don’t remember, you’re probably just a youngin’. The Bible says in Isaiah 43:18 that we should, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” The reasoning behind it is that when we have fully committed ourselves to a better life ahead, that means we are no longer allowing things from the past to have any control over us. If you want a life moving forward that is filled with more positive vibes, you have to make that step forward yourself. No one can push you to do something you don’t want to do, and no one can change how you feel. It has to be something you desire for yourself.
“Straight up to their faaaace.” One other suggestion: If telling that person who did you wrong to their face that you have moved on from what they did, and that you two would be going your separate ways - do it! Speaking things into existence can solidify it within ourselves, and convince us that we have made a decision we are sticking to. This is about you and your life. So take the necessary steps you need to - not just this - to lead you in the right direction.
Understand moving on doesn’t mean you and that person have to revert to your original relationship. Just as I stated in previous posts, moving on, forgiving, and even apologizing, are all meant to help you progress in life. It does not mean that your memory of what happened will be erased; it simply means you are making a conscious decision to overcome a stumbling block placed in your life. If you still don’t think these are enough reasons to move on, think about your future self- the self that could have a much happier and fulfilling life to live because they aren’t holding onto problems from the past. If it helps, talk to your parents, mentors, or adults in your life that you look up to, and ask them about it. I’m sure they’ll echo my sentiments that holding a grudge bears no fruit. Life is just too short, you know?
And there you have it- you have the option to live your life holding onto this grudge against another person, being as petty as your heart desires, for a long time to come. Or, you have the choice to accept the wrong they did for what it is, and not let it hold you back any longer. The choice is yours. If this article didn’t already make this clear, personally, I see no benefit in holding grudges. Maybe it’s because I just don’t have time for them, or maybe it’s because I find it only serves as a detriment to my own happiness. Regardless of the reason, everyone is different. But think about this: If you were in their shoes, and did someone else dirty, how would you want to be treated? How long do you think you should be treated a certain way after you have sincerely apologized and acknowledged what you did? We are all so quick to put others down, and mistreat them because we feel wronged. As a result, we never take the time to understand it from all sides. Put yourself in their shoes. Being able to do that is a major sign of maturity. But again, that’s just me. I mean, being petty and shady to someone to may seem fun and fulfilling, but at what point does it just become unnecessary spite; at what point are we just as wrong as they were?
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