One of the most essential parts of the process is apologizing and showing how truly sorry you are for what you did. And believe me, that is not as simple a task as it sounds. It takes things like acknowledgement, sincerity, and most importantly - say it with me - hu-mi-li-ty. Apologizing to someone isn’t simply adding “I’m sorry” to the end of an explanation, or excuse. If anything, saying those words has become such a practiced routine that frankly, we have forgotten its true purpose. I will admit I’ve had times where I said those two and a half words just because I knew it was something I’m supposed to do in case I’m actually wrong; but I didn’t always mean it. That mindset and reasoning is where the problem stems from, and why it has become such an issue.
To get a better understanding of what it actually means to be sorry, think of it in two parts: feeling sorry for what you did is the feeling, or emotional regard we have when we do wrong; it’s a state of being. Apologizing is the sincere action to not only acknowledge that wrong, but also show that person you were at fault, and want to make amends for your action(s). But what one should understand is that these two concepts go hand-in-hand. Neither can happen properly without the other. In order to even get to the stage of apologizing, you must be sorry for what you did. That means you are showing humiliation for what you did and admitting your fault. Then, the apology follows suit. Some believe this is something they do all the time, and that ties in with the belief that saying sorry should deem a person worthy of forgiveness - and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. First of all, if you’re one of those people, maybe you need to work on not getting yourself in those predicaments. Just saying. Secondly, again, if you are one of those people, do you really know what it means to be sorry - truly sorry? The kind of sorry that has you motivated to do almost anything for forgiveness?. The kind of sorry where your voice cracks before you even finish because you’re fighting back the tears? I won’t lie, this is kind of dramatic, but wouldn’t it be nice to be on the receiving end of such a sincere apology?
So for those who may not understand how to apologize to someone the right way - and those who may not want to admit they may need some insight and are tagging along for the ride anyway - here are the steps you need to take, at the very least, to express that you’re genuinely sorry.
Get down on one knee. Jk. Lol.
Acknowledge the wrong you did. The first step to apologizing to someone sincerely is letting the other person know that you are aware of the wrong you did. Unfortunately, many people do not even make it past this first step for a plethora of reasons ranging from not believing the wrongdoing was that serious to trying to manipulate the situation to make it seem like they were the victim. The person that you did wrong needs to hear you admit that you made the bad choice and are taking responsibility. And doing this is going to take humility. That means swallowing your pride and admitting you’re at fault because it was your decision (The Lord did say “pride comes before the fall). If you aren’t willing to take this initial step, then I wouldn’t even bother continuing to read because at the core of a sincere apology is ownership of the wrongdoing. Without that, you can’t even call it an apology anymore.
Explain why you did it. We are all human. None of us are perfect. We are bound to mess up at some point, so it is important for us to be able to admit the times when we are wrong, and learn from it. It takes a very mature person to take responsibility for something they did, no matter what the deed. The reasons why an explanation of what you did is so important is two-fold. It will help the other person better understand where you were coming from and what led to the situation. In addition, it creates an environment where the matter can be further discussed together. As I stated in my previous post about forgiveness, holding a grudge against someone bears no fruit and doesn’t benefit anyone. Hence, a conversation to mitigate that is just what you need. In addition, this will show your friend that you aren’t, for lack of a better term, bullshitting them. Yes, some people can finesse their way out of situations where they are in the wrong, but it will only be to a certain extent. Eventually, the other person will see through the facade. So use this time scrupulously, choose your words carefully, and of course, be honest. The worst thing you can do is lie and potentially make the situation worse.
Actually apologize. Now that we have the initial steps taken care of, and the stage is set, you can apologize. When doing so, make sure your sincerity and humility are both present and indisputable. By doing this, you ensure that the other person recognizes that you genuinely want to apologize; that this is something you are doing because you know you owe it to that person, and you value your relationship enough to rectify the situation. Humble yourself and show them you deserve to be forgiven. I can’t necessarily tell you how the apology should go because everyone receives things differently. It is up to you to determine your delivery, but keep these notes in mind. They will separate sincere apologies from the half-assed ones we hear all too often.
Assure them it won’t happen again. At the end of it all, you want to guarantee that person that they need not worry about the same situation occurring in the future. You will take the necessary steps on your end to keep the relationship strong from now on, and avoid anything that can possibly reopen old wounds. This is one step many people overlook. An apology without the assurance that it won’t happen again is like patching a leak with a piece of tape; it solves the problem for now, but there is a chance it will make a reappearance - and this time, it may not be fixed so easily. Save your future self the trouble, and hold yourself accountable for making better decisions,.
We all believe we should be forgiven just because we say we are sorry. In a perfect world, we would. Actually, in a perfect world, we wouldn’t even need to apologize because we would just be so amazing, and never do wrong to anyone. Wouldn’t that be ideal? But anyway, going back to reality, apologizing and forgiveness do not have a cause and effect relationship; being sorry does not immediately constitute forgiveness. You have to show that you deserve it, and/or earn it. But I want you to keep in mind, the steps above may not be all it takes. It depends on what you did wrong, and how severe the damage was for the other person. You may need to actually go to the moon and back for them if you really did them that dirty. However, the steps above, especially the piece about humility, are necessary components of a genuine apology. If you choose to read all of this and decide that you already have it all down, and do not need any help, then I will just sit back and swirl my tea … with this spoon … until you “decide” to take it to heart.
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